Tuesday, 28 February 2012

My Oscar Night.

Once again I have allowed myself to get all excited by the hype in the build up to the Oscars and as they have neglected to invite me I decided to hold my own ceremony at home.
First I put on my suit and ordered a taxi to pick me up from my house, drive around the block then pull up at the bottom of my drive. Ignoring the driver's quizzical look I got out of the cab smiling and waving.  Unfortunately as the Oscars are shown live over here in the UK it's the early hours of the morning so there were no people to wave at, just a cat sat on a fence and fox trotting past.

'Hi, how are you', I said to the cat, ' My suit? Oh that came from Burton's Menswear. No my lovely wife won't be joining me this evening as she is getting up for work in a few hours and thinks I'm mental for doing this'.
The cat then wandered off, no doubt to interview another celeb.

I walked up my garden path, smiling and waving at the plants and made a grand entrance through my front door.  Inside was a lavish Oscar banquet consisting of Spam sandwiches (with brown sauce), a bottle champagne I'd got for ten quid after Valentines Day and  a bag of pickled onion flavour Monster Munch that I'd tipped into a bowl.
So then it was time to dim the lights, stick on the telly and let the award ceremony begin.

Two hours later and I'm pissed on cheap champagne and covered in Monster Munch crumbs. It had all gone a bit blurry and I was bored of watching people clapping and waving statues about and saying thank you.

Here are my Oscar highlights for the evening.

Christian Bale went through his award presentation looking like he wanted to punch somebody and spoke in  a weird Cockney accent, even though he is Welsh. Maybe he has done so much method acting he no longer remembers what he sounds like in real life.

Chris Rock's hair made him look a bit like Tetsuo from the anime classic Akira and during his presentation speech he managed to remind us once again that he is black. Congratulations on that.

Brad Pitt is still going through his surfer dude phase and Angelina Jolie looks like a ghost train skeleton in a wig and lipstick.

The whole thing was hosted seamlessly by Billy Crystal although for some reason his Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close gag fell flat. I though it was pretty funny.

I don't know why I allow myself to get caught up in the hype, the whole thing is a luvvie fest and I hardly ever watch the films that are nominated.  I would't get excited about a 'Best Heating System Installation' category at an award ceremony for plumbers so why care about the Oscars?

But for one night only I was part of the glamorous world of movie stars and all in the privacy of my own living room, until I changed the channel and watched Under Siege starring Steven Seagal.
He never got an Oscar.


Miranda Hardy said...

That was hilarious, but as long as your happy, keep up the craziness.

YeamieWaffles said...

I love this post so damn much mate, I'm not sure if you're being honest with the hilarious recounting of your events, at least with the whole getting a taxi from your house back to your house thing but regardless I loved this write up. Glad to hear you had such a good time buddy, Monster Munch and tinned ham and brown sauce sandwiches is not a meal to be sneered at, the thought of it's making me hungry in fact!

Pat Hatt said...

hahaha Bale always looks like he wants to beat someone up. My highlight was changing the channel. Poor Seagal always getting the shaft and gaining about 50 pounds too..haha

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

Skipping the actual show and just reading this was actually a decent idea haha.

Kelly Polark said...

Ha ha! You are making me giggle!

I watched some of the Oscars. I probably had crumbs on myself too.

Jax said...

I think I just feel off my chair! What got me (other than waving to a cat), was the Brad Pitt and Angelina line! I can't stand them so that was very much appreciated. hahaha

Workingdan said...

The only oscar I am familiar with is oscar the grouch from sesame street!

Seriously though...I know what the oscars are and could care less about them. But your version would be something worth watching!

Margaret said...

What was with Christian Bale, indeed. Maybe someone dared him to talk in a Cockney accent.

Zyu said...

Hahaha, this is taking roleplay to another level.

D4 said...

I hope the whole intro actually happened. Just because it'd be that much more amusing.

Al Penwasser said...

That was Cockney? He's Welsh? I thought he was...Batman.

Belle said...

Great review of the Oscars. I loved that show when I was a kid, but it kind of bugs me now. My favorite line was when Billy talked about millionaires giving gold statues to millionaires.

Janie Junebug said...

I think Angelina was sticking out her right leg because she's so used to having little kids hanging on her that she just does the leg thing automatically. Did you notice you could see J Lo's nips just a bit? And no, I don't mean through her dress. The front was cut so that nip showed. It was the nip moment of the evening.

Janie, who tagged you in Tuesday's post

Britta said...

Dear Tony,
hahaha - that was a great show - would have liked to see you on the red carpet! In Berlin we have The Berlinale - and last year Rolf Eden, 'The Last Playboy' of Germany, who just had released a film (of course about himself) waved and invited me to a restaurant. In broad daylight I thought it safe to follow him (he being very old, but one can never know) - and it was hilarious. I wrote about that on my website. In Edinburgh I followed the Film Festival (and met a critic from London - my tip which film will win the award was right - while the critic was occupied to turn every film and actor down.) I seldom go into films because they are recommended (might be a consequence of knowing the critic), but I go when some film hums at me.

Mynx said...

Thank you so much for filling me in with the details as I pretty much missed the whole shebang.
As for the cat, I heard she writes for one of those trashy mags that makes things up anyway

altadenahiker said...

You're wife is right, you are a mental case for doing that.

Shockgrubz said...

Haha, I didn't realize that that was the familiarity I was sensing off of Rock's hair. Thanks for clearing that one up.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Miranda: I'm always happy.

Matthew: you got me, I made this entire thing up and just watched the highlights the next day while writing this post. Sorry.

Pat: He does seem to keep growing outwards.

Mike: I'm with you on that.

Kelly: Were you wearing your Angelina dress while you were watching?

Jax: Don't try and sue me for falling off your chair.

Workingdan: Oscar the Grouch is infintely more entertaining.

Margaret: I don't think he liked Billy Crystal's comment about getting in his eyeline.

Zyu: I made it up, my last few posts have been too serious so I thought I'd lighten the mood a bit.

D4: Sorry, it did't. Shit, I feel awful now.

Al: Batman is Welsh.

Belle: That was a great line, the guy is a consumate pro.

Janie: I can't believe I missed J-Lo's nipples.

Britta: You little name-dropper, you.

Mynx: She tried to take a picture of me doing cocaine in the toilets.

Alta: But I didn't! Everyone thinks I'm mental now.

Bart said...

is ther an action movie category anymore?

Baur said...

Yea I agree Brad pitt was acting a bit weird

Jimmy Fungus said...

Well, that is odd how Bale seems to have forgotten what he really sounds like... If I ever forget what I sound like I am just gonna start talking like Hank Hill from the popular American television program "King of the Hill."

Gryt said...

Bravo, that was brilliant sir. Unfortuanately I wasn't invited to the Oscars either, I should have joined you.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

This is hilarious. I'm glad the cat at least took the moment to interview you. :)

I didn't watch it. My 9 yo did. I was upstairs working, but I could always tell when Hugo got an award. He loved that movie. Unfortunately my 12 yo decided to turn off the tv just as they were about to announce best picture. Naturally my 9 yo was devastated. More so when he found out the next day that Hugo didn't win.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Bart: There never was.

Baur: He's worth millions and can behave how he likes.

Jimmy: That boy ain't right.

Stina: That bloody cat!

Electric Addict said...

im a taxi driver and i've actually had a fare like that haha

Marta Szemik said...

LOL! Love the post. I watched them too and totally agree with Chris Rock's hair! It just does not suit him.

Violet said...

I used to watch the pre-show and quite enjoyed the drunk, horse-faced mother n daughter duo drunk question the a-listers. missed it for like 5 years now... like 3rd or 4th hand counts like this now

TexaGermaFinlaNadian said...

Hahaha, sounds like a great party there. Too funny. I'm with, I wasn't impressed this year with the films nominated. There were some that I felt were left off. I was kind of happy I didn't watch..seems like I didn't miss much.

Britta said...

"Mme Plantier, Comte de Chambord, Gloire de Dijon, Graham Thomas, The Knight, Graf Lennart, Sombreuil, Mme Alfred Carrière, Belle Story, The Prioress" - you might be right, Tony, when I name the roses in my garden, but it is difficult to tell a story about the "B*" in "B*" were I met "R*E" or a critic - didn't drop his name, a Lady knows when to be silent - at the Film Festival in "E*".
As silent as an oyster (of course WITH a pearl inside - there's nothing like going out in style :-)

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

You're brilliant--that is obvious!

I LOVE this line: "Maybe he has done so much method acting he no longer remembers what he sounds like in real life."

I always watch these things so I can see the clothes. I used to have a sewing business and although I hate sewing now, it's still fun seeing the dresses I'll never have to try making again lol ;)

Tony Van Helsing said...

Electric: It must have been slightly worrying.

Marta: It looked bizarre.

Violet: You aren't missing anything.

Texa: Woody Harrelson should have been in there for Rampart.

Britta: 'As silent as an oyster', that has just become my new favourite phrase.

Elisa: You have exquisite taste.

MRanthrope said...

awesome write up. I missed the Oscars because I had to work that night but saw lots of clips online.

You're dead one about Angelina also. Tragic really, she used to be so gorgeous =/

Anonymous said...

Hey you! I'm currently having my own little Oscar's fest! I don't know if Elisa told but she had my book published! What the hell! I was so shocked when she handed it to me I about acted like those cheesy stars you were just talking about lol I'm so glad you took off the WV now I can visit more often!

Amy said...

The only thing that makes it "mental" is that you were attending solo. Next year, advertise, add a cover charge, and you should have a full house of drunkenness.
And, what the hell is Monster Munch?

Tony Van Helsing said...

Craziness: Congratulations.

Amy: Monster Munch are sort of like your Cheetos.

Juliette said...

You had me in awe at "pickled onion monster munch"

The Angry Lurker said...

I'm late to the party but I brought some Monster Munch and not the bloody beef variety.......

Mark Koopmans said...


Three kids, two tazers and a cold Sam Adams.... 'sall good... no riots here :)