Tuesday, 30 April 2013


What the hell has been going on here? I go away for a few weeks leaving you lot in charge and look at the state of the bloody place!

That giant baby who runs North Korea is openly threatening nuclear war and being pictured surrounded by military types in hats as big as pizzas.

Groups of gullible, bigoted young men with untidy beards keep springing up all over the place and trying to blow up innocent people just because they don’t subscribe to their lifestyle.

Elderly children’s television presenters who were part of my growing up keep being accused of child abuse. It is like my childhood innocence is being dismantled bit by bit.

What were you lot thinking? I feel like I have gone for the evening to go watch a film and have a nice meal and trusted you to look after the house.
And what do I find when I get back? My car wrapped around a tree, teenagers having sex in my bath tub, the cat has had his fur shaved off and the house is ablaze.

Well this is the last time I leave you with any responsibility, you have not only let me down but you have also let yourselves down.  It looks like I won’t be going anywhere for awhile until you lot have grown up and proved you can be trusted.

Now go to your rooms and have good think about what I have said and I’ll start clearing up the mess.

And welcome back, I've missed you.

Sunday, 7 April 2013


Coming this summer to internets everywhere!!! The All New Tony Van Helsing Mystery Theatre!!!

Everyone thought he had dropped from the face of the Earth but in reality he is at a secret training facility in the heart of the Pennines, his head is been filled with shiny new knowledge and his body honed into pert sexiness.

Soon he will be released back into the world and the Mystery Theatre will return, only it will be faster, stronger, scarier and swearier.

Join Van Helsing this summer and you will unravel the mysteries of the Universe, learn the secrets of Love and discover how evil Pandas really are.


You know you want it.