Thursday, 29 November 2012

Vampires. Woohahaha! (Again)

I must apologise as I have not been anywhere near Blogger, Twitter or Facebook for about two weeks as I have been doing other shit.
I won't go into what it is other than it is work related and therefore annoying.
Just to fill the time until next week when I get a decent chance to sit down and write properly, here is a cheaty re-post.

May God forgive me.

Whatever happened to vampires? When I was a kid they were always middle aged men dressed like they were off to the opera, or attractive women in flimsy nighties with big cleavages.

They lived in dark castles in Transylvania and scared the shit out of the locals.
You knew where you were with vampires back then, they were the baddies.

These days I don't know whether I'm supposed to ram a stake through them or offer them counselling for their hemoglobin addiction and daylight phobia. If Twilight is anything to go by then vampires are all mopey Emo kids with Garnier Fructis hair.

Speaking of their appearance, if vampires can't see their reflection then why are they always the most fashion concious of the monsters?
Werewolves buy cheap clothes because they know they'll just get ripped when they change, Frankenstein's Monster has been wearing the same matching black jacket, polo neck and enormous boot combination for years and zombies stumble around like drunks and have given up on personal hygiene.

If vampires can't see their reflection then why aren't their shirts buttoned up wonky and why don't they have messy, just-got-out-of-coffin hair?

Anyway, if True Blood and Twilight are anything to go by vampires are no longer the baddies, they are multi-layered, misunderstood individuals who will soon no doubt be classed as disabled and given parking spaces near to building entrances so they don't have to worry about been exposed to daylight for too long in car parks.

As long as they show remorse after ripping our throats out then we will probably forgive them.

And don't get me started on them being a sexual metaphor invented by repressed Victorians.

My name is Van Helsing so I may be a bit biased.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Here is the News.

What shall I write about? There is plenty of stuff going on but I can't seem to settle on any topic and give it any serious thought.  I'll stick the news on the telly and see if that gives me any inspiration.

Well that worked.  It's election day in America and the 24 hour news channels are full of American people waving little flags and talking about the economy and abortion.
I know that the outcome of this election will in some respect affect everybody in the world but most people over here have superficial views on the candidates at best and most of us couldn't give a toss who wins.

Obama seems nice enough, if he tried to sell me insurance I would probably listen politely for a reasonable length of time before telling him I wasn't interested.
Romney looks a bit like that bloke who played cop/biker/rapist Zed in Pulp Fiction.
On these grounds I would vote for Obama.
Hey, I never said I was politically savvy.

In England we've gone child abuse crazy.  Hmm, let me rephrase that, the news over here is full of the late Jimmy Savile's alleged abuse of possibly 300  under age girls and boys over a period covering the 60's, 70's and 80's.  This is appalling in the extreme, Savile was a popular TV presenter and DJ and I myself was one of the thousands of kids who wrote to his show Jim'll Fix It back in the 70's.
I wanted to visit the big plastic dinosaurs at some park in London but I never got a reply.

When he died last year his funeral procession brought the city of Leeds to a standstill as thousands paid their respects. Streets and wings of hospitals were named after him for all the charity work he had done.  Now there is an active attempt to erase him from the national memory.  His grave no longer has a marker, the plaques and street signs are gone, the hospital wings renamed and his knighthood has been revoked.

Now I am not belittling or making light of what may have occurred but this is still in the investigation stage and the alleged perpetrator has been dead for a year.
What annoys me is the way the press is staring to froth at the mouth over this.
There are reporters scouring the thousands of hours of TV footage of Savile to see if there are is anything suspicious. Headlines accusing the BBC and the NHS of knowing about and covering up Savile's alleged predilections, it is starting to sound like a witch hunt when the witch is already dead.

Oh and apparently a disease has entered the UK that is going to kill off all the Ash trees.
I wish I'd never turned the bloody news on.