Tuesday, 30 April 2013

IT'S BACK!




What the hell has been going on here? I go away for a few weeks leaving you lot in charge and look at the state of the bloody place!

That giant baby who runs North Korea is openly threatening nuclear war and being pictured surrounded by military types in hats as big as pizzas.

Groups of gullible, bigoted young men with untidy beards keep springing up all over the place and trying to blow up innocent people just because they don’t subscribe to their lifestyle.

Elderly children’s television presenters who were part of my growing up keep being accused of child abuse. It is like my childhood innocence is being dismantled bit by bit.

What were you lot thinking? I feel like I have gone for the evening to go watch a film and have a nice meal and trusted you to look after the house.
And what do I find when I get back? My car wrapped around a tree, teenagers having sex in my bath tub, the cat has had his fur shaved off and the house is ablaze.

Well this is the last time I leave you with any responsibility, you have not only let me down but you have also let yourselves down.  It looks like I won’t be going anywhere for awhile until you lot have grown up and proved you can be trusted.

Now go to your rooms and have good think about what I have said and I’ll start clearing up the mess.

And welcome back, I've missed you.

24 comments:

Rob Z Tobor said...

While the cats away the mice will play . . . . I use the word play loosely, it includes madness, crime, war and other stuff.

In my case bad spelling but I think I made it OK with this comment.

Adam said...

welcome back

Francis Lee said...

Good to have you back ranting!

Pat Hatt said...

Welcome back, glad I am part of a whole other lot.

YeamieWaffles said...

"Groups of gullible, bigoted young men with untidy beards keep springing up all over the place and trying to blow up innocent people just because they don’t subscribe to their lifestyle."

This is just the truest man, absolutely sickening behaviour, the world is such a bizarre place at times. It's great to have you back regardless mate, hope you had a good break!

Tony Van Helsing said...

Rob: Cats don't start wars...I think.

Adam: thanks.

Francis: Glad to be back and ranting.

PAt: So am I.

Matthew: Good to see you again. It wasn't a break, I've been in training for seven weeks.

Jerry E Beuterbaugh said...

Booger off.

Janie Junebug said...

Go fuck yourself.

Dana said...

Good to see you back!

Tony Van Helsing said...

Jerry: And you.

Janie: Right back at you.

Dana: Happy to be back.

Deus Ex Machina said...

Oh, shut the fuck up you whiny ass baby. But my synopsis on North Korea still stands. They are full of shit. Actually, they are not full of shit. To be full of shit, you have to eat food. And they have no food.

Anyway. I'm glad you're back. I've fucking missed you, man. I mean, I know I don't know you and shit, but it's just like.... like.... a part of me was just missing.... and I couldn't put my finger on it..... and then I sat outside on my back porch cutting my toenails last night, because if I cut my toenails inside, they go flying off into space and I'll never find them... but anyway... what was I talking about? Dude. Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. Can you believe that shit? Some crazy asshole has actually put up with my bullshit for 19 years. But it's cool, cuz I fucked his brains out last night. So anyway. Yeah. Welcome back.

Tony Van Helsing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Crystal Collier said...

You sound angry. I think you need to eat more cheese and less crackers.

=P

Tony Van Helsing said...

Deus: that is the most heartfelt comment I have ever received, I've missed you too. Happy Anniversary, keep on fucking.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Note to self: do not get a hot tub. lol

Welcome back, Tony!

Kianwi said...

Oh, shoot, not the 'you have let yourselves down' line! That's the worst!

Glad you're back :)

The Blue Grumpster said...

You sound like my mother. Are you sure that's a good thing?

Jordan said...

Oh Jeez, focus on the negative why don't you?! There has been good news, I'll point to the fact that Mitt Romney is not president of the good ol' USA as one item. Global warming made the rainy months here really quite bearable, since they pretty much didn't exist. Bad news for the planet but good for the homeless people who live in the woods. Granted, the woods do smell much nicer after a good rain but not catching pneumonia and not dying is preferable to the smell of pine, I should think.

You're right, the world is crazy but I doubt it's any crazier than any other time in history. We humans (the entire race of us from the beginning of us) should be ashamed of ourselves. Sometimes I like to imagine what the planet would be like if we humans had never existed. I picture the forests like in Jurassic Park but without the dinosaurs. I know that there would be a lot more beautiful views with no houses and businesses and other man-made structures to obscure them. So when you're feeling like you want to throttle some crazy person's neck, just go to your happy place (if your happy place is the planet Earth without people or dinosaurs). Okay, maybe one or two dinosaurs but only if they're nice, thoughtful, talking dinosaurs, like Little Foot and his friends.

estetik said...

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Estetik

altadenahiker said...

You dare throw a tantrum? After you left your sweaty t-shirts and briefs to mold in the blog corner, and took off without so much as a forwarding address? Well just cry me a river.

Al Penwasser said...

Could be worse.
Could be WOMEN with untidy beards.
Oh. Ewwww.

Amy said...

It is like a homecoming being back in Bloggerland. Welcome home, you were missed.

Workingdan said...

People with untidy beards are blowing shit up? What's this world coming to? Can't anybody clean shaven join in the mayhem?

Dragos Claudiu said...

I blame it on time itself