Friday, 10 May 2013
The first time I was in America I lost count of the number of times people asked me if I had ever seen the Queen of England or if I lived in London. It soon became apparent that many Americans don't know anything about my country other than the fact that we have a Royal Family who live in London.
I tried telling them that I lived in the north of England and not in the south where London is but this was met with blank looks and people saying 'Huh'?
Americans don't care about mushy peas, cobbled streets, coal mining villages, bleak moorlands or grinding poverty. They want to see the Queen wearing a crown with so many jewels in it that even the most blinged-up gangster rapper would consider a bit ostentatious.
So in a blatant piece of band wagon jumping I am going to talk about Royalty in a bid to attract more American readers because I am a shameless hussy.
Prince Harry has been visiting America recently and the streets of Washington are lined with women taking pictures on their mobiles and getting damp around the gusset area at the thought of his royal gingerness.
Harry is great, he fights the Taliban in Afghanistan and plays strip poker in Las Vegas hotels. When Prince William got married Harry looked and acted like a normal bloke at his brothers wedding, whispering 'She's gorgeous' to the groom as Kate walked down the aisle. It isn't hard to imagine him dancing and flirting with the bridesmaids at the reception, jacket off and pint in hand.
When he met Usein Bolt and challenged him to a race he distracted Bolt by getting him to look at something then sprinting down the track while his back was turned leaving Bolt to run after him laughing.
Prince Harry comes across as one of the lads. He is enormously rich and a member of the British Royal Family but he is also a squaddie and enjoys the camaraderie of Army life and isn't afraid to muck in with the rest of his comrades. They take the piss out of him good naturedly and he takes the piss right back.
Women all over the world fancy him and men can't help but like him. He fucks up now and again but so do the rest of us and this helps us to relate to him in a way that the rest of the Royal Family don't. He doesn't have the same aloofness and stiff manners that his family display and you know that if you met him you would probably feel more at ease than if you met his grandma.
I once saw his dad, Prince Charles at the Great Yorkshire Show as he judged a sheep shearing competition. He seemed okay and was a lot shorter than I was expecting.
So there you are my American friends, I have met Royalty and talked about Prince Harry. All the things about England that you guys love. Now go away and by some Union Jack tea towels.