Tuesday, 30 October 2012

The Piss Goblin.

As it is the Halloween, the time of year when people hollow out vegetables to look scary and kids walk the  streets dressed as Spiderman begging for sweets,  I have decided to share this spooky but true story with you.

Back when I was 16 years old I had a friend who lived on the other side of the valley to myself.  To get to his house involved a three mile walk dropping down into the valley floor then climbing the steep hill on the other side. It was worth the effort because he had a Sinclair ZX Spectrum and his dad had a full sized snooker table.

The bottom of the valley was a landfill site, a rubbish dump that had been buried and a football pitch placed on top.  As the rotting, buried rubbish broke down it released gas and steam which would drift spectrally from any holes it could find in the valley side.

One evening my friends and I were leaving his house and walking down the cobbled path that led under a disused railway viaduct and down the wooded side of the valley. I had drunk a couple of cups of tea while there and suddenly had the urge to pee.  It was dark and the only street light was on the other side of the viaduct so I was in the gloom.  I announced my intention to pee to my friends and stood to the side of the path and started urinating into the thick ferns that lined the side of the hill.

As I was spraying away the ferns in front of me suddenly started thrashing and then parted and a dark, stunted figure came out of them.  It made a weird grunting noise and I could hear what sounded like two feet thumping on the ground.

In the orange glow of the distant sodium street light all I could make out was a black, stocky figure with a broad, flattened, hairless head that my urine was bouncing off.

Needless to say I shrieked like a big girl and legged it down the path towards my friends, still spraying urine everywhere as I ran.  One of my friends saw something small and stunted going back into the ferns so we pretty much ran the rest of the way to our houses.

I had no idea what this was and my friends and I would occasionally mention it but I wouldn't usually tell anybody else.  I tend not to believe in ghosts and otherworldly crap, it's all mumbo jumbo to me but I couldn't explain what I saw that night.

Years later and I'm sitting at work at three in the morning.  It's a quiet night and a bunch of us are drinking tea and someone asks if anyone has ever seen a ghost.  So I decide to tell them this tale.
After I finish the room is silent and all eyes are on me. No-one speaks for a few seconds until the boss says:
"It was probably some dirty old bloke hanging about in the ferns trying to get a look at your 16 year old cock".
Maybe it was, I know it was dark but the shape of it didn't look like any person I've met before.
Happy Halloween.


YeamieWaffles said...

This story has given me chills Tony, definitely an apt story for Halloween. Your boss was probably right about the story although you never know. I seen something weird around a year ago too that has me wondering, maybe it's better if we never find out.

Adam said...

have a good holiday

Pat Hatt said...

Hmmm maybe the dirty old bloke was a frisky midget?

Padded Cell Princess said...

Sounds like you pissed all over a drunken, mutant midget...this wasn't when you were living in Wales was it?? ;)

Workingdan said...

There's nothing worse than getting scared while taking a piss! It makes it hard to stop going, put your junk away and run! Then there is the risk of getting caught in the zipper!

Tony Van Helsing said...

Matthew: Don't just sit there, write a post about your weird experience. I have to know.

Adam: Thanks, I intend to.

Pat: The dirty little sod.

Princess, No, this was the town I was born and raised in, Halifax.

Dan: I didn't even try putting it away, I just ran while pissing all over myself.

Janie Junebug said...

That's what you get for peeing into the bushes -- a great story to tell.


Jerry E Beuterbaugh said...

Great story! I did, however, find your old boss' way of thinking rather disturbing.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

You see, girls would never have this problem. :D

Tony Van Helsing said...

Janie: Peeing in public is wrong but this was an extreme sort of karmic punishment.

Jerry: I work for the police. They all think like that.

Stina: Interesting point.

Margaret said...

Do people in England really celebrate Halloween? I thought it was strictly a US thing.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Margaret: Not to the extent that is is celebrated in the US. It's a sort of half-arsed copy of the US trick or treat thing. I only had one lot of kids around trick or treating all evening yesterday.

Kelly Polark said...

Three miles is a long ass walk!

And yikes! Did you ever publicly urinate again?!

Juliette said...

Oooh spooky! Sure they hadn't spiked your cuppa? Maybe it was a real troll! Or a Boggit.

Brigitta Huegel said...

Dear Tony,
hehehe - reminds me of a brand-new word I learned yesterday when watching 'Dalziel & Pascoe': "Micturator" (that one pissed into a kettle) - didn't believe that I could use it so very soon :-)
Well, and of course you were frightened, poor boy - and the old tramp was wet - if he had been a ghost I think you would have peed through him, don't they say so? (Or was it: "seen through?") And he for the very first time could say "I'm truly pissed."

Jimmy Fungus said...

It was probably the "The Great Pumpkin" which explains why he never shows up to bring gifts to the children in pumpkin patches on Halloween anymore.

Vapid Vixen said...

I don't like it. Nope. Not one bit. Where the hell is my night light?

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