Thursday, 29 November 2012

Vampires. Woohahaha! (Again)




I must apologise as I have not been anywhere near Blogger, Twitter or Facebook for about two weeks as I have been doing other shit.
I won't go into what it is other than it is work related and therefore annoying.
Just to fill the time until next week when I get a decent chance to sit down and write properly, here is a cheaty re-post.

May God forgive me.

Whatever happened to vampires? When I was a kid they were always middle aged men dressed like they were off to the opera, or attractive women in flimsy nighties with big cleavages.

They lived in dark castles in Transylvania and scared the shit out of the locals.
You knew where you were with vampires back then, they were the baddies.

These days I don't know whether I'm supposed to ram a stake through them or offer them counselling for their hemoglobin addiction and daylight phobia. If Twilight is anything to go by then vampires are all mopey Emo kids with Garnier Fructis hair.

Speaking of their appearance, if vampires can't see their reflection then why are they always the most fashion concious of the monsters?
Werewolves buy cheap clothes because they know they'll just get ripped when they change, Frankenstein's Monster has been wearing the same matching black jacket, polo neck and enormous boot combination for years and zombies stumble around like drunks and have given up on personal hygiene.

If vampires can't see their reflection then why aren't their shirts buttoned up wonky and why don't they have messy, just-got-out-of-coffin hair?

Anyway, if True Blood and Twilight are anything to go by vampires are no longer the baddies, they are multi-layered, misunderstood individuals who will soon no doubt be classed as disabled and given parking spaces near to building entrances so they don't have to worry about been exposed to daylight for too long in car parks.

As long as they show remorse after ripping our throats out then we will probably forgive them.

And don't get me started on them being a sexual metaphor invented by repressed Victorians.

My name is Van Helsing so I may be a bit biased.

18 comments:

YeamieWaffles said...

I'm with you on this man and I can't really remember you posting this before, well to rephrase that I can't remember reading it so I guess it's been quite some time. Agree with you about vampires, they really have gone downhill over the years, they're no longer villains but the sweet kids that everybody likes, it's gone all weird. I've never watched Twilight so don't know the ins and outs but I've never even heard of Edward eating innocents and sucking their blood.

Also I don't think we're following each other on Twitter? Or maybe we were on my old account, I don't know for sure but don't feel bad about not being around so much when work is that busy.

Janie Junebug said...

I don't remember reading this before, so perhaps you posted it before I started following you, or I just plain don't remember it. Being blessed with a poor memory mean everything old is new again. Anyway, it's hilarious.

Love,
Janie

Tony Van Helsing said...

Matthew: Cheers mate, I rarely go on Twitter as I can't seem to get the hang of it. Good luck tomorrow with the interview.

Janie: It is a fairly old post.

The Angry Lurker said...

I must admit I prefer my vampires like Blade....and no capes!

Choleesa said...

I watched Twilight, cause I enjoy movies that do not require me to think....
That being said, I prefer my vampires to have capes, fangs, and that eddie munster hair thing going on....

Padded Cell Princess said...

You have a fabulous point with their fashion sense. How is it that they can leave their lairs without a hair out of place and I have managed to go to school wearing a cardigan on inside out!?! Something isn't right, and I'm not about to admit that it's me!

Bart said...

how do vampires also look so well groomed too, like they cant see there reflections in a mirror rite... wtf hollywood

Pat Hatt said...

HATE vampires, Buffy and Blade can get rid of them for all I care, I know the later is one sorta but oh well haha

Anita said...

Hah!

Powdered Toast Man said...

You make a great point about the reflection thing. They must get dressed in pairs and critique each other.

I miss female vampires in nighties with a lot of cleavage...sigh.

Adam said...

never thought about the mirror thing

Jimmy Fungus said...

Well, I suppose a vampire needs to ask another vampire if they are looking spiffy (since they can't look in the mirror). Since they always have other vampires checking them out in this manner, their dress and appearance must be impeccable. This explains everything.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Lurker: How come all vampires know Kung Fu?

Choleesa: Eddie Munster hair, brilliant.

Rob Z Tobor said...

I have no time for those modern vampires sucking the blood out of next doors cat instead of upstanding decent folk. . . . . Thinking about it though that might explain why the cat has gone demented, that's all I need is a vampire cat.

I don't think the makers of these shows think these things out properly, what am I going to tell the vet.

Vapid Vixen said...

Garnier Fructis hair? Hahahahaha!!!
I'm not sure why that strikes me as so hilarious but it really does!

Also, I think it's time for some new monsters. These guys are all getting a little played out and they MUST be exhausted by now.

Nicki Elson said...

They can see their clothes, they just can't see themselves - the dead-fleshy parts. So that's why their outfits are so nice; they're making up for what they can't see of themselves, which of course looks very nice to the rest of us, but they don't know that. Poor things. Do you think they can see themselves on Skype? In that little box in the corner?

I hope you're doing well, Mr. VanHelsing, and that the annoying shit leaves you alone very soon.

altadenahiker said...

You are veddy vise, Van Helsing, for a man who has...oh wait, I've already used that and you probably get it all the time. I think reposting is a great idea in the case of great posts. Frankenstein in a polo shirt -- by god, you're right.

Azara said...

OMG I forgot how funny you are! That Garnier Fructis line was priceless.