Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Little Van Helsing and the Scientologists.



Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a young man called Van Helsing who one day flew across the sea to the magical land of America.  He landed in the fabulous city of New York and after a time rode a silver Greyhound to the cold city of Boston. From there he found a car and drove all the way to the western coast, meeting many fascinating people and having many adventures along the way.

One day he was walking through the streets of the legendary city of San Francisco when a beautiful girl came up to him and asked him his name and where he was from. They talked for a while in the street when the girl asked Van Helsing if he had heard of L. Ron Hubbard. Now Van Helsing read a great many books and one of these had been a novel called Battlefield Earth that had been written by this Hubbard person.

As the beautiful girl seemed to be a fan of Hubbard, Van Helsing didn't mention that he thought the book had been a badly-written load of shit. She asked him if he wanted to come with her and learn about something called Dianetics and he agreed and found himself in what at first he thought to be a shop but was in fact a recruitment centre for something called Scientology.

There a nice young man in a suit asked if he wanted to fill out a psychometric test and from this they would learn what made Van Helsing tick.
Now our hero had heard of the Church of Scientology and figured that cults tended to have some interesting sexual practices and as he was quite taken with the beautiful girl he decided to play along. He was after all young and did much of his thinking with his penis.

After asking Van Helsing over two hundred questions for what seemed a very long time, the nice man in the suit fed the answers into a computer.  The computer made a few beeping noises and eventually spat out a spiky graph. The suited man and beautiful girl then explained that the graph represented the emotional make up of Van Helsing, with the downward spikes showing when he was feeling low and depressed.  They told him that if he were to embark on a course in Dianetics then his graph would show a continuous upward trend as he would no longer feel low or depressed.

Van Helsing very much doubted the scientific veracity of this and pointed out that happiness would be meaningless without sadness to contrast it with.  This did not deter the Scientologists and they spent the next hour trying to persuade him to part with a substantial amount of money to take part in various courses.  They tried telling him it was predestination that had led him to them, he argued that they were using an attractive girl as bait to ensnare horny young blokes and it had nothing to do with predestination

Silly Van Helsing had allowed himself to be taken in by a pretty face and had to spend over two hours in an office while various Scientologists tried to get him to part with his money and give himself over to their organisation.  Eventually he stood up and said that he had no interest in their bloody mumbo-jumbo and walked towards the door, half expecting them to grapple him to the floor, put him in a sack and drag him off to be brainwashed.

They did no such thing and he walked out of the door and into the sunlight, having learned a valuable lesson. Organisations such as Scientology spout a lot of mystical bollocks but are only interested in money and power and not in expanding people spiritually.
Whereas Van Helsing was interested in shallow, physical gratification and had allowed himself to be taken in.
Foolish Van Helsing. Greedy Scientologists.


39 comments:

The Angry Lurker said...

They tried to do this to me when I was young on the the streets of Dublin but my God smote them with lightning....or I told them to feck off!

The Angry Lurker said...

..young man!

Stephanie D said...

Great post! And so glad you did not become a Scientologist!
This line struck me for it's truth and the simplicity in it's truth.
"...and pointed out that happiness would be meaningless without sadness to contrast it with"
Very nice indeed!

jamiessmiles said...

Money and religion... The connection seems strange given that most religions seems to despair material possessions.... Maybe not scientology, a religion based on an admittedly fictional book:P

Pat Hatt said...

haha well at least it was a good trap and you got to look for a while. Although wasting two hours with questions that were probably meaningless anyway so they could try to sucker you in, prob wasn't worth it.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Lurker: I should have told them to feck off in the first place, young man.

Stepanie: Than you. Scientology is probably better off without me.

Jamie: the higher you go in the ranks of any religion, the more material wealth matters to them.

Pat: I never even got a flash of cleavage. Complete waste of time.

YeamieWaffles said...

This is such a good story mate, I love how you pointed out that the Hubbard book was a badly written piece of shit haha, it's crazy how they go about operating, with emotional tests and things, I'm kind of surprised they simply let you walk too.

Baiba1205 said...

lol. fun story.

I'm glad you were able to leave ;D

Ray Sorrow said...

This was a really good post.

I liked your happiness/sadness line too.

It's funny how many religions fight over their differences when at the core, they are all the same.

Padded Cell Princess said...

Oh my goodness, that was brilliantly hysterical and well put! I don't know if I would have given them 2 hours but then again, cleavage does nothing for me...if it did then my neck would have severe damage from constantly looking down!

Workingdan said...

I just love how organizations pretty things up and try to make it all appealing....then they go in for the kill, wanting money!

foolish scientologists!

Bart said...

nice, thats awesome. u show em whose boss. I'd yell at em to show manliness and dominance over there religion/race...

Brigitta Huegel said...

You were lucky - I only see them sitting at the Wittenberg Platz, trying to allure passers-by into their net. With a stress-test. We have a lot of information in newspapers how they work - often they are infiltring big companies, and try to bring their interests very subtile in. And they hire attractive people - as those actors. Good you kept your sense.

Janie Junebug said...

If you were a stupid celeb like Tom Cruise you would have joined.

Love,
Janie

Azra said...

Haha! What a story. I'm sure there were plenty of "victims" like you. Scientology isn't really big here in SA. In fact, I've never met one.

G said...

ah the power of a beautiful woman...great story

Jimmy Fungus said...

I probably would have fallen for it too. Though maybe not...because I did turn down the pretty girl at General Nutrition Center who tried to sell me a General Nutrition Center gold membership card.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Matthew: Read some, you'll see what I mean.

Baiba: It's the only reason I'm here writing this.

Ray: All religions are full of shit.

Princess: I must see your cleavage.

Workingdan: Foolish indeed.

Bart: Yelling never works. Use brains.

Britta: This will sound incredibly racist but I can't imagine them fooling Europeans.

Janie: Cruise is worth billions, he can't be stupid.

Azra: If you haven't met one you haven't lived.

G: Oh my god, this is a female empowerment story.

Jimmy: Nutritional?

SkippyMom said...

The last time I got trapped in a room and was asked to part with a large sum of money at least I got free amusement park tickets out of the deal. heehee

Fascinating Tony. I knew they were shysty, but I didn't realize they would just pick random folks off the street. I thought they went for those they knew had the big bucks.

Glad too you are a Scientologist.

Jilda said...

I love reading your blog! Always interesting, never dull! and quite often I just laugh out loud!

Jax said...

Oh my!! Well, you could have had one more thing in common with John Travolta ;) lol What a trapp!!

Missed Periods said...

I was a little nervous for young Van Helsing. I also was afraid they would grapple him to the floor. Actually, I imagined it more Zoolander-style brainwashing.

♥●• İzdihër •●♥ said...

Its a great post .Loved reading it.

Movies on my Mind said...

Hmm, I think pretty much all religions crave money from followers, whether it be Islam, Christianity or Scientology.

However, Scientology does seem very mean-spirited and anti-spirituality. Their theocratic thinking is way more clinical than philosophical.

America seems to hold religion as more importantant than in Europe, especially here in Britain where drinking and sex and having a good time holds greater sway... yay!

Elisa Hirsch said...

Those last two lines had me laughing out loud.

I've wanted to read "Battlefield Earth," but maybe I'll read something else instead ;) We seem to agree on a lot of things, so I bet you just saved me some time.

On a side-note, I love Sci-fi/Fantasy. Have you read "Rune Lords?" I love the whole concept behind it.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Skippy: Yep, they were dragging people off the street.

Jilda: thanks love, yours is always uplifting and thoughtful.

Jax: Me and Travolta both like touching up masseurs. Allegedly.

Missed: What's a Zoolander brainwashing?

Izdiher: Glad you liked it.

Movies: I'm not religious but would rather have nice, quiet religious people as neighbours than drunken party animals.

Elisa: Trust me, it's ridiculous. I can't say I've read Rune Lords. I read sci-fi and fantasy occasionally but find as I get older I read a lot of biographies and factual stuff. Although Necromancer is one of my all time favourite novels.

Tony Van Helsing said...

@Elisa: I meant Neuromancer, not Necromancer.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

LOVE THIS!!!! :D Now you know why I have trouble trusting religions, especially ones like Scientology.

Craziness abounds said...

Holy crap I needed to read this! lol Made my night. No worries friend I've pulled my head out of my ass and am done moping like a child. You can safely return to visit without feeling like slitting your wrist when you leave. Yes I did write that just for you. Knew you'd enjoy it. You did right? That's what I thought.

Crystal Pistol said...

Wow. Great post. Really great post. Honest. Gripping. Informative. Well written. Loved it! Nice to meet you, Van Helsing. :)

Lindsay N. Currie said...

LOL this was incredibly well written Tony. I had several big belly laughs while reading it:)

Margaret said...

Very interesting. I have heard there is a money making thing with scientology, but I never know what is is. So they sell expensive classes. Interesting and good to know.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Stina: Never trust anyone who says they have the answers to the big questions.

Craziness: Are you sure it's safe? Seriously though, if I'd been through half the stuff you have I'd be in a box by now. Your fortitude in the face of adversity is a revelation.

Crystal: With comments as nice as that the pleasure of meeting is all mine.

Lindsay: I can look back and laugh but at the time it was a bit alarming.

They did manage to sell me a book on Dianetics for five dollars. I think it's in the attic somewhere, unread.

Juliette said...

Nothing wrong with shallow, physical gratification. Had they promised you this, you might have conceded! Silly scientologists!

Nicki Elson said...

It cracks me up that you knew the whole time it was a scam but stuck it out in hopes of unusual sexual rituals. I'm so glad I don't have a penis.

Come At Me Bro said...

This is great!

altadenahiker said...

Oh, they tried to corner me in Milan. Or was it Florence? They're equal opportunity, and will seek their prey in any country, on any street.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Juliette, No 'might have' about it.

Nicki: I love having one.

Bro: Thanks.

Alta: They are like a zombie apocalypse, relentless.

Easy said...

You're a very strong writer