Thursday, 19 January 2012

Bastard Pandas.



Woo hoo, we've got two giant Pandas in the UK at Edinburgh zoo. Two fat, sponging layabouts who sit around on their black and white arses eating twigs all day while hordes of gawping morons queue up to take pictures of their lack of activity.


Ok, maybe I'm being needlessly harsh on pandas, is it their fault that they have managed to evolve themselves down a dead end? Slow-moving and and an easy target to hit, they can only eat bamboo and are fertile a pitiful for 72 hours every year.

Let's face it, they are going to die out. I know it is sad and I don't wish for it to happen but hey, we'll be extinct one day too. What I don't get is the hordes of people who wind themselves up into Panda frenzy, queuing overnight at the zoo in tshirts with pictures of pandas on them.


Go to bloody work you people!



The main reason that millions have been spent trying to save the panda is that they are cute. If they had a face like a cat's arse and and looked like a bag of spanners then they would already be gone. Humans only like the cute animals.



Denis Leary essentially stole his stand up act from the more talented Bill Hicks but he was right when he pointed out people telling him not to eat tuna because dolphins were getting caught in the nets. Well what about the tuna getting caught in nets? Fuck 'em, they're a sandwich.



37 comments:

Janie Junebug said...

I never stood in line overnight at the zoo wearing a panda t-shirt, but I used to enjoy seeing the pandas at the National Zoo in D.C. They were cute, lumbering around and chewing on their bamboo. I think they died. I don't know if we have any more pandas in the U.S. After all the hoopla dies down, go have a look at the pandas and I bet even Uncle Van Helsing will enjoy them. People went batshit crazy in the U.S. when they first arrived. By the time I got to the zoo, the crowds had thinned and we had a clear view of them. I don't know why people go insane over them upon arrival. No one has ever been that happy to see me, but what the hell can I say? I'm not a panda, so I don't need love? I do need love, and plenty of it; and I'm not gettin' it.

Love,
Janie Junebug

Love,
Janie Junebug

Janie Junebug said...

I don't know why I wrote "Love, Janie Junebug" twice. Maybe I'm trying to send extra love into the world so maybe I'll get some back. Isn't that even more sappy than a barrel of pandas?

Janie

Heaven. said...

<3 to miss Junebug.

Padded Cell Princess said...

The penguins totally agree with you:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-16270214

Tony Van Helsing said...

Janie: I've never seen a live panda, maybe I'll think they are amazing up close. As for love, there is a world full of people out there looking for it. You need to have confidence in yourself and go looking for it. What have you got to lose? People are just people.

YeamieWaffles said...

Damn, as sad as it makes me you're so right about these pandas, they will be extinct at some point if they keep this up. It isn't their fault either but their lives do kind of suck, they're still cute all the same and deserve to be protected in my opinion. The pandas are just doing what half of our country does by scrounging after all haha!

Pat Hatt said...

Yeah they will be extinct at some point with only 72 hours how they heck can they not be? Never knew that fact and hey some cat arses are nice and cute, as long as they don't do a wet one when they toot..haha

Violet said...

F U Pandas!

I wish all pandas looked like KISS members. Then they would be really cute. Now... B- cute. With make-up... A+ cute.

SkippyMom said...

I have to agree with you about Leary stealing his act from Bill Hicks. Too bad, b/c I actually liked Leary until I discovered that.

China gave us two pandas back in 72 and they were all the rage here in the states [I live 20 minutes from the zoo they lived in] and when they died our zoo/gov't LEASED two more for 10 million dollars. We get to "keep" them for 10 years. Any offspring returns to China [they have actually produced one so far] It will be interesting to see what happens in a few years when they have to return to China.

They're cute, but I understand they are also quite vicious. I do like the KISS pandas tho'. hee

SkippyMom said...

PS - I put up a pic' of tater tots on my blog so you could see what I meant. I am sure you have them over there, but call them something different. They are a potatoe type french fry [chip] thing.

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

You take all that back right now! Their laziness is part of their appeal haha.

Janie Junebug said...

Herr Van Helsing, I went out looking and it ran over me. Oi! My back hurts even more.

Love,
Janie Junebug

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

That last point is sooo epic AND hilarious. I've never heard that before. ;)

Kelly Polark said...

I would totally stand in line to watch Pandas with Kiss markings sit around! And I'd pay money if one of them could hum "Rock 'n' Roll All Night"

Margaret said...

I have to admit that I really enjoyed seeing the pandas at the San Diego zoo. They were cute! And I loved it!

MRanthrope said...

i'd actually like panda's more if they looked like Peter, Paul, Gene and Ace. Well...maybe not Gene.

Belle said...

I loved everything you said here about the pandas. So funny!

Britta said...

Dear Tony,
in our first year in Berlin I bought a one-year-ticket for the zoo, thinking: "It is near, so I can get there for a quick walk." I will not renew it. I wasn't there often - it stinks, I don't like seeing eagles in a (big) cage, I thought the otters amusing (but not enough to stay), and I share your view of the pandas. (Must be the only person here in Berlin who does). People are mad here about a little ice-bear, Knut, who died a year ago - when he died they put flowers and candles in front of his cage, and now he gets a monument. The director of the zoo thought all the hype strange - I'll drink to that :-)

The Angry Lurker said...

That's the same amount of time I'm fertile as well....

Mynx said...

We have pandas at our zoo. They were supposed to be the best thing since sliced bread and earn millions for the economy.
So the zoo spent a huge amount of money on enclosures and upgrades and now it is too expensive for anyone to go to the zoo and see the bloody things.
End note. Zoo is struggling to survive.
Pandas are highly overrated (but cute)

My New Blog – “Lizard Happy”

Baiba1205 said...

but they are the best combo ever - black, white and Asian! ;DD

altadenahiker said...

Well, lucky I don't look like a cat's arse either, or people might stop feeding me.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Waffles: Pandas are everything that is wrong with wildlife.

Pat: Cat's arses are all foul.

Violet: They need the boots as well.

Skippy: So yu do all the looking after and they get the kids? Shit deal.

Mike: Lazy people aren't appealling.


Janie: Sorry about the back.

Elisabet: The best ting he came out with.

Kelly: And play guitar.

Margaret: Who am I to criticise?

MrAnthrope: I thought Kiss looked great, then I heard their shit music.

Belle: Thanks love.

Britta: I hate zoos, seeing animals in cages miles from their real enviroments is depressing.

Lurker: Me too.

Mynx: they are a rip off.

Baiba: That's a good way to look at it.

Alta: Who says you look like a cats arse?

Juliette said...

You're so right. If it's cute we have to save it but fuck the tuna! Ha! That's made me think.

Jilda said...

I laughed out loud as I read your blog tonight Tony! Thanks for your earthy wisdom!

Nutty Gnome said...

I hate zoos, so I won't be going to see them - well, that and the 5 hour trip to Edinburgh from Chesterfield would be enough to put most people off!

I wandered into here from britta's blog and have had a hefty chuckle reading your old posts, so thanks for that! :)

Tony Van Helsing said...

Juliette: I'm here to make you think.

Jilda: You are the one with the earthy wisdom, love.

Nutty nome: I got depressed looking at a giraffe in Edinburgh zoo. It looked sad and a long way from home.

james said...

Just imagine if all panda's looked like that lool Now following!

Hannah {Culture Connoisseur} said...

I wonder if they are extra lazy because they are stuck in an exhibit and don't have to forage for food as much?

I wonder if a WILD PANDA (woo wild pandas!! they crazy!) are any more active...

Stephen Tremp said...

It really bothers me to see someone, or some animal, lying around with nothing to do. Its like get to work. Maybe they could teach these panda to play instruments and sing and dance.

Tony Van Helsing said...

James: We should re-spray them all.

Hannah: Good point, I didn't think of that. Now I feel evil.

Stephen: We should teach them to have sex at least, then they might be in with a fighting chance.

Sujana said...

haha yea I agree with Hannah! They're probably overfed in the zoos too. Interesting blog! following

Bart said...

pandas are pretty cool. but not as cool as tigers. its maybe cause i annoy em and get them to do awesome things. but of all things at the zoo i like the dinosaurs...

Creepy Query Girl said...

so weird. There was just an hour long documentary on a couple of pandas being brought into the french zoo from china. People were going nuts for them. I think they're kind of boring animals. Cute but boring. Oh, and apparently the males will attack you if you tick them off. I much prefer kwala bears. At least they're slow and lazy but are friendly.

Craziness abounds said...

Hello friend! I've missed you! So first your comment today had me rolling! Really? Such a sweet moment to be finished off with a black eye. lol Then I come over here and you are on one about Panda's? This is the kind of stuff that makes me love you!

Tony Van Helsing said...

Sujana: Welcome aboard, I am likewise following.

Bart: You are right, nothing is cooler than tigers.

Creepy: I reckon Koalas could do you some damage if they were in a mood, those claws look fearsome.

Craziness: I've missed you and love you too.

AguiLeons [2peeeps] said...

go ahead shot me lol, followed