Thursday, 1 December 2011

Uncle Van Helsing.

Babies, they lie around all day leaking fluids from both ends like some kind of toxic spill. They can't feed themselves, talk or perform basic motor functions. I never know how to deal with something that is so dependent on outside assistance.

A girl on maternity leave visited my workplace the other day and brought in her new baby to show to us all.

Of course this meant that all the women immediately stopped working so they could cluster around the overpriced luggage that babies have to be carted around in making noises like Teletubbies while the baby lay there goggling at them in bewilderment.

I never know quite how to react when a baby is introduced into the workplace, I've tried offering them coffee but they aren't interested and they never have much to say. They just stare at me in that spooky way that babies do, as though they are reading my mind or something.

My female colleagues always insist I pick visiting babies up so I invariably end up standing there, holding a baby at arms lengths as though expecting it to explode like a shitbomb.

As you have probably guessed I don't have kids so don't interact with them on a daily basis. If I have to talk to anyone below the age of twenty I sound like Prince Philip, asking them things like "And what do you do", while being concious of the huge generation gap yawning between us.

The best thing about babies is that they don't fuck about. If they want something they bellow their little heads off until they get it, but all they care about are the basic things in life. They haven't yet grown up and learned to want needless things like iPhones or Call of Duty games.
All they are interested in is eating, pooing, sleeping and being loved.

Which when you think about it are the important things in life.

Maybe I can learn a thing or two from babies.


Hannah {Culture Connoisseur} said...

I have the same kind of reaction to some children...and I usually attract the crazy ones. You know, the kids that make homemade Chinese throwing stars out of paper and like to chuck them at people's heads. Or I once had this kid follow me around at church snapping me with a rubber band.

Where's pepper spray when you need it?

YeamieWaffles said...

Babies are absolutely crazy, I feel the same way as you buddy, great post as usual, keep it up man.

Doug Stephens said...

I have kids. And they still freak me out.

Anonymous said...

Now all I can think about is nursing. What the hell, man?

Jordan said...

I like babies, when they're asleep and quiet.

Britta said...

Dear Tony,
you will get used to them! You are lucky to live in a time when men can spend time with their children too - my dear grandfather refused to push a pram, not being a "sissy". This said: before we got our son (I should write "Son", and I often write "Sun" :-) I didn't look into prams, and now I do neither, though I love babies and children.

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

There are few things closer to our roots than those primal little infants haha.

Kelly Polark said...

What a cute post, Tony! And yes, so true!

Amy said...

Love this photo! The baby looks as though it has had quite enough and is planning a quick escape.
You're right, babies don't beat around the bush. Kids are even worse, they seem to have a knack for determining the most embarassing information to share at the most inopportune times!

Anonymous said...

I'm never having babies! Facebook Twitter

LOLA said...

I am one of the women who gathers around the baby, making silly noises and talking about how that's the most beautiful baby ever. But in my head I'm thinking, Wow! That baby's face is so smooshed in I wonder if she ran into a parked car. OR Dear God, please help that child. That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. brawahahahahahaha


Pat Hatt said...

hahaha yeah the exact same thing happens in my office. I mean I pick the shitbomb up too, but what do you expect me to do..hahaha

True though we could learn a thing or two, and they don't want COD that's a plus right there.

Anonymous said...


Kid Shuffle said...

babies taught me the most important lesson: find ways to make everyone else do everything for you.

SkippyMom said...

If that is you in the picture, you do a fine job of holding a baby. The baby is so relaxed he is checking out the rest of the room.

I like babies - heck, I had enough of them - but I really don't want to hold other people's babies. Been there, done that, don't need the spit up or leaky diaper tyvm. :)

Nightgaunt said...

LOL: reminds me of my sister getting asked to briefly hold my Son when he was much younger. Now she's kind of ok with him, but she looked like parts might fall off if she moved wrong, or that if she said the wrong thing he would vomit like something out of the Exorcist just to spite her. He did neither, but apparently one of his goals in life is to win her over. Possibly because she does work at a candy store. Candy providing aunties get all the love.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Hannah: The damn parents should have these little horrors under control.

Waffles: Crazy babies.

Doug: Yours or other peoples?

Joshua: Don't start building a nest.

Jordan: Quiet will do.

Britta: Your grandfather sounded VERY old school.

Mike: I never thought of it like that.

Kelly: Cute is one way of looking at it.

Amy: My niece could sense my inexperience and wanted to flee.

Pesos: Don't let me put you off.

Lola: Best to spare the parents the dreadful truth.

Pat: These babies never do any work when they turn up either.

Interweb: Why thank you.

Kid: Nice one!

Skippy: The baby is a she, and yes that is me.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

The other great thing about babies is they don't swear or talk back.

And the best way to freak out a mother with a baby is too point that out. The fear in their eyes is priceless. :D

Mynx said...

Kids teach you all sorts of things. Not all of it cute. Some of it hilarious and lots of it messy.
Vivid memories of vomit and poo explosions

Al Penwasser said...

And some day, I will be just as helpless as a newborn, too.
And skeeving the hell out of my kids when they have to change my diapers.
Unless they get some hapless orderly to do it.
Either way, I won't care.
I'll just want extra tapioca.

Vapid Vixen said...

Oh this made me laugh. Picturing you holding the baby at arms length. I've tried that as well but my arms gave out after less than 3 minutes. Then it spit up on me. Babies are just super.

Anita said...

Eating, pooing, sleeping, being loved...all good things. Thanks for the reminder I've got the best in life. :)

Bart said...

lol yeah i find that weird when they bring the babies into work and expect to be all like "oh yeah! your the best congrats, blah balh so beautiful" all babies look the same imo.

Bushman said...

I suppose the best thing about babies is that they are you(as long as it yours of course) and there is always that blank chalkboard in your arms that could find the cure for cancer or burn Paris Hilton's face with acid. Just saying there are endless possibilities.

Baiba1205 said...

hahaha ;D I love your attitude. You're not the only one, babies creep me out too ;D they are cute and stuff, but I also feel uncomfortable when they look at me with those big eyes... ;D

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I used to be so awkward around babies and I still have a hard time knowing what to do if they aren't my own.

I like your point at the end of this--truly epic. :)

Tony Van Helsing said...

Stina: Putting fear in a mother's eyes, you are a harsh mistress.

Mynx: Vomit and poo, my point exactly.

Al: Hmmmm, tapioca.

Vapid: Only babies could vomit al over you and be called super at the same time.

Anita: That's the vital stuff.

Bart: Next time I perform a bodily function I'll take it to work to show everybody.

Bushman: You can't have a baby throwing acid at PAris Hilton, that's just wrong.

Baiba: they are up to something.

Elisa: Just ignore them and maybe they'll go away.

MRanthrope said...

I tense up as a soon a baby enters the room. What if I sneeze and give them some deadly virus, or curse and warp their sponge like mind into some evil lil bastard, or I'm too rough and crush the kid to pieces. Too many variables with small kids/babies....I just run the other way!

Anonymous said...

Oh Tony I'm giggling really hard right now. You'd feel differently if it was your kid. Believe me.
Kids are so stinking funny.
One day you'll make a great dad.

TexaGermaFinlaNadian said...

Quite possibly the best line in blogging in a looong time "The best thing about babies is that they don't fuck about." Hilarious. And how rude that they didn't accept your coffee. :)

Electric Addict said...

I get the same reaction when I offer babies coffee too haha I'm not so good from those babies but you're probably right about learning a thing or two from them. this post had a beautiful ending i'd say

Tara Tyler said...

awww, they are the future!
thanks for stopping by =)

Tony Van Helsing said...

MRanthrope: They are too delicate. Mothers should keep them in the womb for a good 12 months at least until they have got a bit bigger and tougher, then let them out.

Craziness: that day will never come, read my earlier post Testicle Spectacular which explains why.

Texa: It's all take, take, take with babies.

Electric: Thanks for the comment about the ending, I didn't plan it that way, it just seemed to write itself.

Tara: The pleasure was all mine.

dirtycowgirl said...

Lola stole my comment.

I like babies when they get to about 20 and leave home.

Although the little bastard keeps coming back.

Nicki Elson said...

And the whole reason people like me have babies is to screw with people like you. It's funny to watch you get all flustered.

P.S. They are reading your mind.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Cowgirl: Lola stole my comment, sounds like a foreign film.

Nicki: I bloody KNEW it!

Ixy said...

Wise words for sure. I remember someone bringing their infant into work when I was 8 months pregnant with Sasha. They asked if I wanted to hold him and I said no, I was afraid I'd drop him. Everyone laughed and said "you'd better get over that." Babies always bored me and kind of freaked me out.

But it really was different with my own, and I have a new appreciation for babies now. Funny how things change.