Tuesday, 22 November 2011

An Apology.



I've been going about this blog all wrong recently. I've been treating you like kids and mollycoddling you, telling you nice little tales of trips I've been on like some kindly, boring uncle.



Bollocks to that, I was sat in traffic lights today behind some dithering, middle-aged bag of fear when the lights turned green. By the time the driver in front of me had put the car back in gear, released the handbrake and gently pressed the accelarator there was only time to get his stupid, bastard Volvo through before the lights went red again.

Thanks for that, mate, next time keep your car in gear, your pedals on biting point and your eyes on the traffic lights so you can go as soon as they change and give the drivers behind you a chance.

I didn't beep my horn, gesticulate or swear, I was involved in a road rage incident a few years ago which showed me the futility and foolishness of acting this way and I was going to recount this story to you.


But that would make me a sanctimonious, preaching know-all, you are adults and don't need me teling you how to drive.



I've got a blog where I can say all the things that I don't say to people's faces as I don't want to cause them offence or end up trading blows at the side of the road over my perception of someone else's driving ability.


This is why Tony Van Helsing exists, he says the things that I don't say to people because I am a sensitive softy and he is one of those people who says what he thinks. Which makes him an fog horning, sociopathic clod who doesn't care how he will be perceived by others.

All hail Van Helsing.



41 comments:

Padded Cell Princess said...

Hehehe, and that's why you have lots of followers! (I'm just a bad one because I wasn't up to date so now I'm going back to read your last couple of posts!)

Stephanie D said...

No apologies necessary! This is the perfect place to be who you are.

The Angry Lurker said...

All Hail Van fecking Helsing...bring it on!

Pat Hatt said...

hahaha damn those idiotic drivers. At least you have Tony Van Helsing, I get my frustrations out with a cat..hahaha and hail? NEVER! What you gonna do?

Belle said...

Be yourself. That's what I decided with my blog when I would maybe feel embarrassed about what I wrote.

MRanthrope said...

interesting...I'm doing an online traffic school program for a speeding ticket I got this summer and just read the section on "Road Rage" last night before checking your current post.

Kid Shuffle said...

All hail Van Helsing!

SkippyMom said...

You just didn't want to come to blows with a little old lady. giggle

When you spend a lot of time driving road rage can certainly sneak up on you - but in all honesty, other people's stupidity really only costs us mere few seconds when they screw up. And what does that really amount to in the scheme of things?

Enjoy.

Nightgaunt said...

All hail Van Helsing!

Reminds me of some of the idiot drivers around here too. So many flavors of stupid and obnoxious, it's like a bakeshop of 'why didn't Natural Selection prevent you' pastries.

LOLA said...

Mr. Van Helsing, I salute thee!

Love,
Lola

Tony Van Helsing said...

Princess: Try and keep up, I only post once a week.

Stephanie: Thank you dear.

Angry: I shall indeed bring it on, wait till I start on about comic shops.

Pat: Hail, damn you.

Belle: You should never be embarassed.

MRanthrope: Road rage is never worth it.

Kid Shuffle: That's what I want to hear.

Skippy: Wise words, well said.

Nightgaunt: That is a great analogy.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Lola: I salute thee right back.

My 2 Pesos said...

Slava Van Helsing.

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I must agree! All hail Van Helsing.

It feels great to write what you want.

I swear that blogging has saved my sanity more times than I'd like to count.

Interwebs Fails said...

No problem.

Al Penwasser said...

That was you behind me?

YeamieWaffles said...

That's a horrible feeling man, I actually enjoy your stuff although I think it's best to always be honest for sure, that's the most therapeutic way to blog for sure!

Anita said...

Sometimes I want to put a mask on when I blog and just type away about all sorts of crazy stuff. Have fantasized about writing an anonymous blog for that purpose. Could be fun.

Mollie said...

It's a learned behavior that I don't understand. WTF are people doing putting the handbrake on whilst waiting at a red light? Best way to pop a clutch and kill the engine? Using the handbrake.

Really, I'm serious. Is this taught by driving instructors as a proper way to handle a vehicle?

And I never thought you were sociopathic. Maybe a little unloved, but definitely not sociopathic.

Britta said...

Dear Tony,
first: from your posts before I didn't get the impression that you are a middle-aged uncle, I thought you quite sexy. Blowing the horn and swearing will make you even a few years younger - let's say 17.
It's good to speak one's mind - in real life (with some consideration for the people one meets - but they can take more truth than one thinks - - now I sound like an agony aunt) and on a blog - here everybody is free to stay or go, which might not be possible in real life :-)
I am interested what you will post next.
And now: HONK, HONK, DRIVE ON!!! - WHERE DID YOU WIN YOUR DRIVER LICENCE, IN THE LOTTERY?

Miranda Hardy said...

At least you have an avenue to vent. I'm opposed to horn honking...my ex scared it out of me. He'd honk his horn endlessly.

Craziness abounds said...

Tony Van Helsing I may love you in a blogger kinda way! haha. That's my boy!

Amy said...

I could tell you were a bit of a badass by your taste in music. Then again, I'm a psych major, so I already know all about you! ;)

altadenahiker said...

I'll take the sociopath every time. (Confession: If I'm a passenger and somebody pulls a stunt like the one described above, if the driver doesn't blow the horn, I'll reach over and do it.)

Tony Van Helsing said...

Pesos: Slava to you too.

Elisabeth: It helps that other people read it.

Interwebs: There's always a problem.

Al: Get the hell out of my way!

Yeamie: Always nice to hear from you mate.

Anita: Go for it, you could be the Masked Blogger.

Mollie: you are right there, I'm all for sensible safe driving but this is above and beyond the call of duty. What do you mean unloved? My cats love me. I think.

Britta: You are a woman of exquisite taste. I am indeed as sexy as George Clooney wearing a tuxedo standing on the Eiffel Tower at sunset. I am also a 45 year old uncle.

Miranda: An avenue to vent, that sounds like a farting euphemism.

Craziness: Thank you for the blog love, Mollie said I was unloved and I've only just stoppd crying.

Amy: There is nothing bad about my ass. It is a tight, pert little handful thanks to bridging exercises.

Alta: You can touch my horn any day.

Bart said...

apology accepted.

Nicki Elson said...

Um, I was just out driving with my daughter and she told me I had anger issues. It struck me that it's not wise to tell someone they have anger issues when they're mid-anger. It's the worst time, actually. Anyhow, thinking about that made me less angry about whatever I was angry about.

Katsidhe said...

I'm pretty much a child-woman and probably could use some guidance on how to drive, uncle Van.

(All hail him.)

Bushman said...

I say beat 'em all down and drive like you stold it!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

LOL. And that is why I appreciate automatic vehicles. There aren't as many standard ones in Canada. We still, though, have the same problem with drivers who can't be bothered to watch the lights.

TexaGermaFinlaNadian said...

Haha, can that just be the whole subject of your blog!? You can entitle it "things I really wanted to say to that man but didn't because he was jacked" Or even "comebacks thought up after the fact". Either one would work.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Bart: I don't remember apologising.

Nicki: I know what you mean. If someone tells me to calm down it reminds me that I have lost control and became so furious my my head shoots off my neck like a firework.

Katsidhe: It's all about confidence, not ability. I was trying to think of something sexy to say here but couldn't come up with anything.

Bushman: I'm going to buy a Mad Max car covered in spikes.

Stina: Automatics aren't proper cars.

Texa: These ideas are gold dust. I'm using them.

C... said...

LOL I hate when people drive like major morons. I doubly hate people who can't drive their shopping cart in the grocery store without being in my way or hitting my cart or practically chasing me down the aisles.

Baiba1205 said...

haha, I know what you mean ;D But I've actually learned to calm myself whenever someone does something stupid on the road. In the beginning, I wasn't as calm ;D I said things... and showed some gestures ;D

Tony Van Helsing said...

C: Or when they stop dead in the middle of the aisle and I have to swerve my cart to avoid mowing them down.

Baiba: Trust me, showing your annoyance isn't worth it.

Margaret said...

All Hail! (You think you've had enough caffeine?)

Susan Fields said...

Hmm...I have to go out driving with my 15-year-old daughter in a few minutes, and I'm sure plenty of people will have this reaction. Gotta do it, though, they've got to learn sometime. I'll make sure she keeps the car in gear at stoplights, though.

Lindsay N. Currie said...

I'm all for alter-ego's. Mine is Jack Bauer, which means whenever someone pisses me off beyond belief, I think to myself that they are lucky I'm not shooting them in the kneecap. Of course, I don't have a gun, have no clue how to aim and am a pacifist in reality, but my alter ego does not know that. All he knows is that there's an idiot talking and a perfectly good kneecap showing.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Margaret: there's no such thing as enough caffeine.

Susan: A 15 year old behind the wheel is worse than a codger.

Lindsay: As alter ego's go Jack Bauer is a beauty.

Ixy said...

Ha!! I LOVE it. This is why Ixy exists too.

Based said...

I feel the same way about my blog.