Friday, 15 July 2011

Enormous Bollocks.






I visited The Great Yorkshire Show this week for the first time, this is an annual agricultural show where the regions farmers gather to compete their livestock and drink lots of Black Sheep Bitter. The place was also crawling with landed gentry who walked around wearing Bertie Wooster style tweed clothes and posh hair.


A walk around the livestock pens was an eye opener, I've seen plenty of cows and sheep in my time but these have all been average, run of the mill animals. The ones in the pens were the super models of the livestock world, enormous sheep with gold coloured fleeces, bulls as big as vans and and a huge variety of pigs. Everywhere I looked there were stud animals, bulls, rams and boars and all of them with gigantic testicles.

Young farmhands sat between the stalls talking and drinking beer, every so often getting up to wipe a cows backside and squirt it with water after it had a crap to keep it's anus in show-standard condition.

We watched a falconry display where the falconer flew an enormous African Griffin Vulture with a seven and a half foot wingspan. Before it took off he warned that if it should land in the crowd then no-one should attempt to stroke it as it would have their fingers off.


Off it flew, flapping it's massive wings to gain height. It reached a decent altitude then banked with the turning circle of an aircraft carrier and headed straight at me.


Now I've never seen a vulture up close before, let alone have come hurtling towards me and this one looked as big as a small family car with wings. I ducked my head a little too late and got a slap in the face from the end of it's wing. It landed right behind me.

It was the height of a small child and was looking balefully at me in the eye and nobody in their right mind would try and stroke something that looked as hard as that.

A little later we saw a large crowd gathered near the sheep-shearing competition pens and lots of coppers helmets poking above the crowds heads.


Prince Charles and Camilla had turned up to have a nosey around. Now as well as never seeing a vulture in the flesh I've never seen a real live royal before and I tend to think that people who wait for hours to get a glimpse of a royal are a bit mental.

It turns out that I am in fact one of these people and ran over to get a look at them as they examined some fleeces, talked to some men wearing bowler hats, had a bit of a chat with some of the crowd then got in some well armoured 4x4's and left.

So there we are, The Great Yorkshire Show. I saw my first Royal, lots and lots of of animal bollocks and got a slap off a vulture. Not bad for twenty quid.



46 comments:

Al Penwasser said...

I thought "bollocks" meant something else entirely. Whatever. Still, they probably attract all kinds of cows (or gay bulls).
As far as that guy who flew that African Griffin Vulture....that must have been one freakishly huge bird. Or he was a tiny little dude.
In any case, the whole place probably smelled like crap, though, huh? Woulda been a good excuse to let rip a nasty fart. After all, who woulda known?

dirtycowgirl said...

This reminds me of the time I watched my Dad get chased by a bull. Can't remember why - on a family day out - he decided to get in it's field to go and say hello, but for weeks after just the mention of it caused me and my sister to laugh.

Dad - who is now - 83, claims to not remember.

Padded Cell Princess said...

Did a farmhand have to wipe you after your vulture encounter to make sure you anus was in show standard condition? I would have needed them to! I also think people are ridiculous for going nuts over royals and famous people...until Prince Harry was at an event that my husband and I were working at. To this day I still get excited telling people that we have a photo of him on my husband's mobile (it's sad, I know).

Oilfield Trash said...

Funny. Good thing you didn't see royal bollocks.

myjoyproject said...

OT, only you would have a comment like that.

TexaGermaNadian said...

You so know that they were there to check out the livestock balls and anuses. Haha, so gross, can't believe I just wrote that :) Sounds like a smelly good time!

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

Haha vultures are indeed vicious creatures, i'm not about to try and touch one.

C... said...

Getting slapped by a vulture is so much more exciting than Royals or any celebrity if you ask me.

The Angry Lurker said...

............and lived to tell the tale.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Al: What else could bollocks possibly mean?

Dirty: I've got a great image of a man offering his hand and saying hello to a bull before the inevitable ensues.

Princess, I know, we are both hypocrites.

OT: Small mercies.

Myjoy: Pure OT.

Texa: Princes Charles checking out livestock anuses, I'm going to end up in the Tower.

Sub: They are not cuddly.

C: It's a first for me.

Angry: Here I stand.

Dylanthulhu said...

I think vultures are very pretty animals, but I'm not about to touch one. (and yes, I know what a vulture is, just because an animal isn't cuddly doesn't make it ugly.)

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

I'm still staring at the picture of the cow.

Al Penwasser said...

Bull balls? But, that was a picture of a cow, wasn't it? So, it can't be that. Is bollocks a synonym for 'bum'? Which fat ladies cover with 'knickers'? I sometimes have trouble with English.

Mynx said...

Love agricultural shows and all the animals. I would probably have been star struck seeing a royal. We dont get many around here so I havent seen one close up yet.
The Vulture would have been awesome, you must have been special to get whacked by it.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Dylan: I didn't think it was ugly, just looked like it wouldn't take any shit.

Lemons: It isn't a cow its a bull, you can see it's cock(although its colossal knackers aren't visible in this shot.

Al: I refer you to the above comment.

Mynx: There is nothing special about being assaulted by large carrion birds.

Bart said...

lol stop checking out animal balls.

MRanthrope said...

real live royals in the flesh? Too bad it was Camilla and not Kate.

Jilda said...

we use to have these incredible "state fairs", there would be carnival rides, strange and wonderful shows, and animals from the nearby farms. Loved it, but sadly those are pretty much part of the past. I would have gawked at the royals too! Sounds like a pretty good day.

Dylanthulhu said...

Jilda, my first concert was at the state fair. Blue Oyster Cult opening for Alice Cooper.

Scrubby Bear said...

I'm really glad I saw this post! I am looking forward to much more OC mate. I really enjoy it so far!

Powdered Toast Man said...

At least it didn't pluck your eye out.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Bart: They were everywhere, I couldn't help myself.

MRanthrope: My thoughts exactly.

Jilda: It was a brilliant day.

Dylan: Don't Fear the Reaper.

Scrubby: Glad you liked it.

Powdered: I think they only do that when you are dead.

Vapid Vixen said...

"...every so often getting up to wipe a cows backside and squirt it with water after it had a crap to keep it's anus in show-standard condition."
Hahahaha!! GROSS! And how crappy to have THAT job. Get it? Crappy? *nudge nudge*

Cheeseboy said...

Greatest blog post involving royalty and a vulture I have ever read.

J.B. said...

I would have slapped right back. How dare you, vulture!?

Tony Van Helsing said...

Vapid: Farming seems to involve a lot of shit.

Cheese: It could be a first.

J.B.: No way was I going to get into a fight with a vulture.

Bart said...

lol wut irish jockey?

Scrubby Bear said...

Irish Jockey1 ;)

Al Penwasser said...

I didn't want to meat gaze. I'd feel so...lacking.

Kelly said...

Now that sounds like an interesting day! Prince Charles and a slap from a vulture and ginormous testes!

level85nerd said...

Really impressive and interesting day. I would've slapped back as well.

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

If that's not shooped that bull should really be proud.
+joined

Tony Van Helsing said...

Bart: Sorry mate, I couldn't stop myself.

Scrubby: Am I on the right blog?

Al: They are overcompensating.

Kelly: Just another day on the farm.

level85: You wouldn't if you'd seen the size of it.

Elliot: It's not shooped, it's 100% beefcake.

Hannah {Culture Connoisseur} said...

Haha, thank you for this. MADE. MY. DAY. I'm sharing this with friends.

Jessica Thompson said...

Hahha! Hit me back, alphabetalife.blogspot.com

Sarah said...

I love the word bollocks!

altadenahiker said...

The biggest event at the LA County Fair is the pig race. Doubt that was a drawing card for William and Kate when they were in town.

Al3xaG said...

That pic really disturbs me, anyways that falcon thinguie maybe confused you with a bunny?

Tony Van Helsing said...

Hannah: Glad you liked it share away.

Jessica: I got a face fullof wing, hasn't there been enough hitting?

Sarah: It rolls off the tongue.

Alta: Do little jockeys ride the pigs?

Al3xaG: Which aspect of the picture disturbs you, me or the bull?

Diego Sousa said...

really interesting! +follow

Krissy said...

Al has trouble with a lot of things, but humor is not one of them. :) I don't blame you about wanting to see the royals though, even if they are royals I don't care to see I would have had to see for myself. Crazy, yes... But understandable!

Talkative Taurus

Vapid Vixen said...

If you can find the time to pull yourself away from leering at cow balls, come by and pick up your award.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Diego: Thanks, nice to have you on board.

Krissy: I'm a Royal groupie.

Vapid: Thanks, I'll put on my tuxedo and nip over.

Bart said...

EVERYONE!

lol

Peiyinn said...

I haven't go to animal farm. :( It would be a great experience I think. :)

Craziness abounds said...

Well this answers my question from yesterday haha. I can't say I envy the guys that have to keep the animals um anus clean. What a job. Sounds like you had an adventure though so good on you!