Friday, 22 July 2011

Captain Haddock's Beard






If you were to try and name a good song that Sting has done as a solo artist I bet most of you would struggle. Police songs don't count as they were a lighting-in-a-bottle collaboration of Copeland and Summers and Sting.


No, I mean the stuff he has done since then. Englishman in New York sounds like elevator music, Fields of Gold is the sort of dirge that people play at funerals and The Russians contains the line 'Believe me when I say to you' which is the sort of line an amateur songwriter would cram in to make it rhyme .



Yet he is still around, knocking out laclkustre songs that bimble in one ear and out the other, leaving no discernible trace of their passing, sung in an annoying nasal whine with no range.


A couple of years ago he managed to climb new heights of pretension when he released an album of folk music and to show his commitment he had a suitably folksy image update by growing a beard of Captain Haddock proportions that looked like a Welcome mat wrapped around his neck.


But this is not enough for The Stingster, he accompanies the album with an hour long concert filmed in Durham Cathedral and shown on the BBC over Christmas called 'Stings Winter Songbook'.


Not happy with a full orchestra he also surrounds himself with choirs, Morrocan percussionists, throat singers and people playing instruments so bizarre they look like something from a Dr Seuss book.


Despite all of this back up it still manages to sound like a load of meandering, tuneless cack


Interspersed with the concert footage we get to see His Stingness wandering around a street market in his hometown of Newcastle, looking all 'back to his roots' in his big coat and scarf and regaling the viewer with tales of how his dad took him to the same market when he was a kid.



He then engages in some awkward banter with a market trader and buys a book on Newcastle United which he doesn't even pay for, having to borrow ten quid off the cameraman.



I suppose if he is this skint it might explain his desire to push his new album so much.

I'm sure Mr Sting has a good reason for calling himself Sting but I don't care and can't be bothered finding out, such is the lack of passion the man arouses. I don't know anybody who goes to his concerts or buys his albums, I know the Police reunion was popular but the attraction for people there was the band as a whole, not Sting himself.

However Sting is a rich man and will carry on doing what he likes, churning out songs that are tolerated rather than enjoyed, much like Paul McCartney.

And before anybody says it I am fully aware that Sting is a highly successful musician who is so rich that he didn't even notice when his accountant syphoned five million quid out of Sting's account and I have just done four night shifts in a row and feel like I ahve been punched in the brain.

So yes, I am bloody jealous of him.

39 comments:

Core Contrarian said...

Important people don't carry cash, you know.

dirtycowgirl said...

I hate him.

Him and his boasting about boring tantric sex with his wife who looks more masculine then he does.

Who cares ?

Al3xaG said...

He is trying too hard, but as hard as he tries he is still mediocre, so the thing I don't understand is why is he so popular?

Joshua said...

I guess "All For Love" from "The Three Musketeers" doesn't count because he did it with Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart?

Amy said...

I never understood why people were so beside themselves over him, he's an artist I never think about, which says something in and of itself.

TexaGermaNadian said...

This totally reminds me of that one Family Guy episode where they make fun of how he sings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drm3kTpks7Q

Bart said...

fuck yeah sting!

Margaret said...

I have sort of soft spot for Sting because of his days in The Police. I saw them in concert in probably 1982. It was my very first concert.

Kelley said...

I hear so much about people not liking Sting and have wondered why. I'm not much of a fan, either. It was great reading your perspective. He is rather boring!

Cheeseboy said...

Didn't he do that "Fields of Gold" song like 15 years ago. Okay, yeah, I see your point.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Core: I carry cash and consider myself important, but only to me.

Dirty: I'm glad you brought up the tantric sex thing. Don't they get bored?

Al3x: For some reason mediocrity is celebrated.

Joshua: Holy fucking shit! The Three Musketeers is an entertaining story, so why not ruin it by sticking in a song by Sting, Rod Stewart and Bryan fucking Adams.

Amy: My point exactly, we never think of him unless he is shoved in our faces.

Texa: Thanks for the link, I haven't seen that one.

Bart: I can't tell if you are for Sting or against him.

Margaret: I have no problem with the Police. Not my kind of music but I can appreceiate their appeal. It's Stings mediocre output I have issue with.

Kelley: He is so boring that wild boars think he is more boring than they are.

Cheeseboy: Time is not a great healer.

Lindsay N. Currie said...

Hehe...I feel this way about a lot of celebrities. And, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think I've thought about Sting in about ten years LOL.

Hannah {Culture Connoisseur} said...

I think the last time I heard anything from Sting was back in the early 2000s on Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve. He sounded horrible.

C... said...

He was probably hoping his "celebrity" status would get him a free book. Why do the most wealthy people end up paying less in everything ... free this free that ... less taxes. WTF.

Samantha Vérant said...

Yeah, Sting lost his buzz...

Samantha Vérant said...

Weird, you just commented on my blog, EXACTLY when I was commenting on yours. bzzzz.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Lindsay: I'm sorry I've reminded you.

Hannah: He hasn't improved.

C: That is one of the perversities of fame. The more money anf influence you have, the less people charge.

Samantha: It is fate, don't fight it.

Dylanthulhu said...

Heh, I dunno about his music in general, but I am always supportive when a man grows a beard. Beards are always good. I've got a 9-monther right now myself.

nowaysj said...

Without a doubt, a talentless hack. Must know somebody big to be where he is. Police where the bizomb back in the day though.

Like your style.

+followed

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Ha! I'd forgotten all about Sting. I didn't realize he was still around.

clique said...

Thank's for th compliments, Mr. Tony. I think you're being too hard on lil ol Sting though. Fields of Gold is possibly my favorite funeral song~

And may I ask you this,
Why do you hunt vampires?

Tony Van Helsing said...

Dylan: Even his beard was pretentious, it covered his entire neck like a pelt.

Nowasyj: He should have quit and enjoyed his money when the Police split instead of flogging a ging a dead horse.

Stina: I'm sorry I reminded you.

Clique: Will you have it played at your funeral? I hunt vampires because I find them annoying.

nowaysj said...

This just in: Sting is still a punk.

Come At Me Bro said...

This is great!

Violet said...

sting- his head should pop out of that game @ the carnival "whack a mole" so we can clobber him with huge rubber hammers.
what a douchebag... a self-loving douchebag.
i bet he regularly tries blowing himself

J.B. said...

"...that looked like a Welcome mat wrapped around his neck."
this made my day :D
I don't like his music, not even The Police stuff...

Al Penwasser said...

I know he was with the Police on this one. But, my son makes fun of "Every Breath You Take (I'll Be Watching You)" as the stalkers' anthem.
As I read your post, I realized...yeah, he HASN'T done anything on a solo basis that would merit note.
Plus, looks like his guitar shrunk.

altadenahiker said...

I think he's doing all this just to irritate you. Mission accomplished.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Nowaysj: Breaking news...Sting still shit.

Come at me: I guess it is kind of great.

Violet: Blowing yourself is what Tantric sex is all about, I assume.

J.B. : Always happy to make someones day.

Al: Trust Sting to pose with a mandolin, the great big ponce.

Alta: He is my arch enemy.

Powdered Toast Man said...

Well grow a strange beard and start playing an instrument made by The Cat in the Hat.

Stephanie D said...

Phil Collins did the same thing, IMO

nowaysj said...

If I saw sting on the street, I'd give him a dirty loook.

nowaysj said...

We're going to need a new post here, I'm tired of looking at this ugly mug's face.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Toastman: The Cunt in the Hat.

Stephanie: They are much of a muchness, as we say in the North.

Nowaysj: You are right, new post tomorrow.

TriGirl said...

Very well put.
(for the record, i heard a long time ago that he got the name because he used to wear a black and yellow striped shirt a lot...i think i read it on the interwebs, so it must be true!)

TriGirl said...

Oh! And i meant to add that i saw your blogger profile and wanted to say that neuromancer is one of my all time favourite books too! (totally off topic of course)

Tony Van Helsing said...

TriGirl: I thought he was called Sting because he is a pain in the arse. And Neuromancer is my default book, if I have run out of books to read i pick it up and just read it again. I must have read it 6 or 7 times.

Devour said...

Lol this is cool "]. At first I could have sworn he was wearing ugg boots

Craziness abounds said...

I'm with you Tony. And four night shifts in a row sucks.