Monday, 28 March 2011

Testicle Spectacular.

I don't have any kids. To me sex is a pleasurable experience and not a reason to fill the world with upgraded versions of myself. With the population of the world now over six billion my input isn't required.

After much discussion with my wife (and the fact that the pill was having a detrimental effect on her) we agreed that I would get a vasectomy.

And so I found myself sitting nervously at the local hospital one Friday afternoon, gulping when my name was called.

I expected a bright, sterile room full of masked and scrubed up surgeons and machines going ping. Instead I was inside what looked like a school five-a-side court with some curtains sectioning off some gurneys.

An Asian man and woman dressed in civvies beckoned me to one of the gurneys, next to which was a table covered in sharp, shiny blades and a syringe like a drainpipe.

I could hear someone else going through a vasectomy behind one of the curtains and as there was no screaming or fountains of blood spraying over the top I took comfort and lay down while the woman went through the procedure.

First they would inject my gonads with anaesthetic and wait a few minutes for it to take effect before getting hands on with my tubing.

"Don't worry love, we've done a few of these today and you're the last one" the woman said, picking up the syringe.

I grimaced as she stuck the needle in me, all the while chatting with the male about who they would be meeting in the pub when they finished work.

Still chatting she put down the needle and without waiting for the anaesthetic to take effect picked up the scalpel and sliced open my scrotum. Now I don't know how to describe it but imagine a cold steel blade cutting into your genitals and that pretty much sums it up.

Once they had coaxed me down from the ceiling and apologised for diving in too early I watched the rest of the procedure like a queasy hawk as bloody fingers delved inside my sac but all I could feel now was a slight pulling sensation.

"There we go, all done. You should be back to work in a couple of days".

Yeah, right. Two days later I was back at the hospital with bollocks that looked like they had been kicked by a horse. I was off work for two weeks and had to keep my knackers in a sort of string hammock and walked like John Wayne.

Now if you are thinking of having this procedure, don't let my experience put you off. Mine was a Friday afternoon job and their minds were on the weekend.

Thankfully this is a once in a lifetime experience.


Oilfield Trash said...

First let me say as a man who has had the same thing done to him, I am truly sorry for you pain.

And did you not read my experience with this before you had yours done? If not I urge you to go and read about it here...

Mynx said...

Hubby had his done a while back with no problems at all. Yours sounds very production line.

Al Penwasser said...

I got a "Combat V" when I was still in the Navy in the late 90s. Everybody in my workcenter, it seemed, got one. I guess we got the group discount. It will be a post for the April Challenge (under 'V'. Ain't I clever?).
I won't get into specifics (we'll all have to wait), but I can certainly relate to your story!

myjoyproject said...

Two vasectomy blogs stories in one week? Are you guys competing??


Tony Van Helsing said...

OT: I had mine 15 years ago, your advice was late.

Mynx: Welcome to the NHS production line.

Al: COMBAT V? That's brilliant.

Myjoy: You can never have too many vasectomy stories.

Sorry I've changed the title of this blog post while being drunk and watching the first series of 24.

Kelley said...

Ahhh!!! This sounds so scary. For you. Reading your post DIDN'T make my dizzy, but did make a bit apprehensive about getting a vasectomy, which, thankfully, I will never have to worry about.

(BTW, thanks so much about your comment on my blog about the dizziness. Ha! I totally could see why you'd get dizzy. Obviously, the parody doesn't make sense if you are not familiar with the Budweiser commercials. Even if you are familiar with them, one could still get dizzy with the back and forth of the narrator guy and the 80's singer in the background. I will have to tell people to take some type of medication before reading the post. That should really draw in the readers!)

bobo said...

OUCH! I was in the fetal postiion, rocking back and forth after reading this.

Did you fake a John Wayne accent while you were walking like him?

Tony Van Helsing said...

Kelly: Budweiser tastes like cold water to me.

Bobo: Fill your hand!

Stare Dad said...

Ok... That hurts just by thinking about it.

bruce said...

never gonna get that done...

i would rather have my eyes poked out with a pool cue.

i hav ennever heard of a good v...

i have heard of some that were not bad, but never good...

most sound like yours and OfT's

Bruce and Tucker
Bruce Johnson JADIP
Evil Twin
stupid stuff I see and hear
The Dreamodeling Guy
The Guy Book
The Guy Book

justine love said...

dude... ouch... O_O

Leslie Moon said...

After giving birth to two beautiful children I convinced my husband that it was his duty to get neutered. His experience was quite similar to yours. He had complications and couldn't play basketball for months. I actually felt pretty bad for him.

Mandy's Kidding said...

This is why I have an IUD.

Mama Zen said...

That sounds horrible!

mark fellows said...

Damn this is scary to me! I had always assumed it was in a sterile environment as well, with surgeons in scrubs! If it is just two people in jeans and sweaters, I would seriously rather do it myself! My friend at work, out on the loading dock, at work, and around a bunch of random people, told me a story about when his "tubes were growing back into his balls" and the surgeon had him lean up against his exam table and opened his sack right there, and "really cut the tubes back, so they won't grow back"


Tony Van Helsing said...

Thanks for your comments, ladies and gents. One day I'll tell you about the time I was at hospital and they put a camera up my arse.

Belle said...

My hubby had a camera up his ass too! What a small world. Those doctors were incompetent. I had a friend who had the same result as you though.

Lynette said...

oh my, i laughed so hard. finally a man who knows what childbirth was like for me.....slit from stem to stern and had her lifted pain killer....strapped down. Emergency C-section. I feel for ya!

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...


That must have hurt.

Sticking a tampon up already makes me wince, so...

Kudos to you for surviving that.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Belle: I know a few who have sailed through the procedure and was hoping to be among their number.

Lynette: 'Slit from stem to stern'. That's powerful imagery.

Lemons: Thanks for the kudos but where are you sticking you tampons? I didn't realise this was a painful procedure.

Anonymous said...

Note to you: Don't try and haul a really heavy chain to the top of a high silo or anything during your recovery. It'll take a lot longer. - via the hubs.

Chio said...

Your post just traumatized my imaginary balls. Almost made me glad to have a vagina, until I remembered that pesky childbirth and PMS crap.

altadenahiker said...

Always read the fine print.

Drake Sigar said...

Perhaps I’m being naïve, but I didn’t think this procedure involved cutting open your balls. And in that environment? A tattoo parlor would have more creditability.

Tony Van Helsing said...

@Drake, true enough, they cut open my scrotum, not my balls. And this was nearly 20 years ago on the NHS.

Tricia said...

OH NO! Sssh....don't tell the other guys. :(

Sorry to hear about your horrible experience. But thanks for entertaining us all with it!

Rabidmoose said...

Sounds like a pretty icky experience.

Nuker Zero said...

I am now incredibly disturbed. Thank you. Also, I need $upport, just sayin. :(

A Daft Scots Lass said...

My Boerewors also had a vasectomy about 4 years ago and its the best thing ever! No more pills, or foreign objects in my body. I did my part for 16 years before I carried two gorgeous girls.

He woke up the next morning after his surgery and wanted to see if everything still worked properly.

Mission accomplished.

Krissy said...

Well, I applaud you doing that and making the sacrifice to keep your wife from having any other problems. Us females have to deal with the reproductive crap our whole lives so it's kinda nice when you guys have to pay a little for it, not that I would have wanted you to have a Friday night special.

Margaret said...

Wow! This got people's attention. I'll have to remember: Better headlines bring in more traffic.

The Barreness said...

I applaud not only your decision to conrtibute to overpopulation (it's kind of a thing of mine) and to take the responsibility on yourself.

As for the procedure...


You've simply got to love the NHS, yes?

Brave soul.

- B x

The Barreness said...

Also, that should read "...your decision NOT to contribute to overpopulation..."

Proofreading is such a bore.

Re-commenting like a jackass is much more fun!

((le sigh))

- B x

Tony Van Helsing said...

Tricia: Glad you enjoyed my pain.
Rabid: Icky indeed.
Nuker: Are you after money?
Daft: Good to see the procedure is improved.
Krissy: We're all in this together.
Margaret: You're right. From now on all my titles will contain testicles.
Barreness: Have you seen Idiocracy? If this is your thing then you might enjoy it.

CandleintheDark said...

Dude, I don't want kids either but this was pretty horrifying.

I am fascinated.


Gelai said...

I wish I was there to assist the surgeon! JOKKKKEEEEE! HAHAHA! I miss the operating room! :P :P

Andre said...

Haha in the picture the guy got a foot of air
How to Hack Life.

Lisa said...

OMGGG this totally made me LOL!!!!!!! hahahaha i told my husband in the future i want him to do this.. and he always says hell no. hahaha.. you're a good man!

Jilda said...

sorry about your pain, but I have laughed with tears running down my face and my husband keeps asking me why I am laughing so hard. You have a wonderful wit and way with words Tony!

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