Smellies.

It's the run up to Christmas so TV is covered in perfume ads that have the majority of people wondering what it is they have just watched.

Here is Coco Chanel with Keira Knightley at an artfully messy house party where everyone is waving their arms about and shouting or playing strip chess. 

However no-one is actually drinking and when Keira goes to the bathroom to kiss her own reflection no-one is doing lines of coke or vomiting while her friend holds her hair back.

The old favourite J'adore one is back with Charlize Theron getting out of the bath while a load of women lie around her massive bathroom doing nothing. Is Charlize's bath time always like this?

Dior has Jennifer Lawrence diving INTO a bath wearing a wedding dress then seems to run out of ideas so she mucks about with an apple and some jelly fish.

Dior also give us Johnny Depp playing his guitar then saying 'I have to get out of here' as I'm sure life is hard when you are rich enough to buy your own island. He deals with his mid life crisis by driving into the desert and flytipping some jewellery.

Gucci are continuing their contract with Jared Leto but have gone down a different route from his having a threesome ad from a few years ago. Now he has the hair and beard of Jesus while dressed like a cross between Austin Powers and Max Wall while Lana Del Rey is dressed like somebody from Scooby Doo.

They are either drinking coffee in a diner, doing their laundry or chasing an ostrich round a supermarket, I'm not sure which. The only thing Gucci is putting in my head is that Jared Leto might be a colossal twat.

I don't know how they manage to sell perfume with stuff like this, although I imagine sales in class A narcotics is doing well in the advertising business.