Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Pretention, from TVH.



Christmas is on the way and we all know what that means.  Yes, it's the season for incomprehensible TV adverts trying to sell us perfume.

Look, there's a black and white Brad Pitt still in his surfer dude phase and looking bit Jesusy. What is he talking about? Some sort of New Age blather about journeys and dreams that doesn't make any sense.  Then we see a bottle of Chanel and we realise he is flogging perfume to us stinking proles.

Next here comes Alexander Skaarsgard driving his car (also in black and white) up a cliff in a rainstorm to visit a skinny lass who lives in what looks like a grain silo. Is he advertising tyres that give good grip in bad weather?  No. this is for Calvin Klein's latest bottle of chemicals to mask your fetid odour.

Jean Paul Gaultier gives us a (black and white) dinner party being held by a load of fetishistic, gothy looking people who I can't quite tell which are male and female.  They are shrieking like opera singers and laughing like lunatics and to be honest the whole party looks so uncomfortable and alarming that instead of wanting to buy his perfume I am having nightmares about Jean Paul Gaultier inviting me over for dinner.

So perfume ads are generally filmed in black and white and try to be enigmatic French mini-movies.  No doubt this is because they are designed by people in the fashion industry and as everyone knows, people in the fashion industry are pillocks.

Perfume exists to hide body odour and I am lucky enough to have hot and cold running water therefore I shower everyday, stick a bit of deodorant around my sweaty bits and am good to go.  I don't need to spend sixty quid on a bottle of obscure ingredients sold to me by a black and white Ryan Reynolds with his shirt unbuttoned.

So now you know what NOT to get me for Christmas.

21 comments:

YeamieWaffles said...

The last two paragraphs are so true here buddy, I suppose ladies are different when it comes to how they smell than us though. I love your little reviews for all these perfume adverts, unfortunately if you've seen one you've seen them all, I find them absolutely terrible and off putting in all honesty as well.

Pat Hatt said...

Yeah they can shove their perfume, maybe then it will make ones shite smell like roses, you think? haha

Al Penwasser said...

So how do you feel about cologne?

Rob Z Tobor said...

I always hit the mute button on the remote during ads on TV, the result is most of the time they blur together and I cant work out who is selling what.

Some of the ads make me determined never to buy the product ever . . . . I dont think that is the plan; but I cant be the only one who thinks that.

Miranda Hardy said...

I've never cared for perfumes, either. Glad I don't watch tv. Lol

Tara Tyler said...

they need to do perfume ads budweiser style...here wego!

Craziness abounds said...

Love this one! I completly agree. Plus the stuff gives ma rancid headache that makes me want to shoot the person doused in it. I sometimes thing people bathe in that stuff. Yck.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

lol I've missed all of these. My husband has the news channel on, so all I see are the pharmaceutical ads directed toward seniors. I'll take the hot actor perfume ads over those any day. ;)

Janie Junebug said...

I will wear a dab of cologne when I've received a free sample I like. Elvis Aaron Schwarz wears the most wonderful smelling deoderant. I think it's called Ax. He puts it on his adorable bald head so his head doesn't get sweaty. A little sniff of Elvis's head makes my day. But as for the commercials, I wonder why they're in black and white. And I wouldn't pay for some fancy schmancy perfume.

Love,
Janie

jual baju muslim murah said...

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Jerry E Beuterbaugh said...

My wife keeps complaining about smelling something dead in the house.

Brigitta Huegel said...

Dear Tony,
hahaha - I love your post! Especially about the advertisements (what do they see in Brad Pit, honestly I can't see it) - but you have to create a lot of fog to make people pay such sums for perfume.
Having said that I must add that a) I still remember the razor water (?) my father used, or think of a special holiday in France when I sniff Youth Dew (though I would never use it, too heavy perfume gives me a head ache). To perfume instead of washing, I hope, has gone with the powdered wigs of the French aristocracy.
So - I nice tiny drop behind the ear is - nice - and beauty (if it doesn't intrude the olfactory privacy of others) beauty is often etheral and not practical. (Though for those who earn through it, it is. Immensely :-)

Tony Van Helsing said...

Matthew: They are baffling.

Pat: You used the word shite, brilliant! Consider yourself an honorary Yorkshireman.

Al: What's the difference?

Rob: That is definitely not the plan.

Miranda: Do you own a TV?

Tara: Good point, get the frogs on.

Melynda: They should try washing instead.

Stina: You make a good point. I would rather see these than ads for incontinence pants and elasticated waist trousers.

Janie: I want some Ax deodorant, you can't get manlier than that.

Jual: Thank you.

Jerry: That is a bit scary. You don't have any bodies hidden around the house, do you?

Brigitta: I was given a bottle of Hugo Boss aftershave for my twenty first birthday. I was still dabbing the same bottle on when I was thirty.

Amy said...

And in Canada you can now purchase Pizza Hut scented cologne, so you can smell like you just finished your shift slinging pie. Wonder if they will enlist Hollywood for those ads.

Vapid Vixen said...

I think my favorite part about your posts are all the new words I always learn.

Stinking Proles?

Pillocks?

Sixty quid? Oh wait, I already knew that one.

This whole post made me chuckle. Those ads really are the worst.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Amy: Pizza Hut cologne? You jest.

Vixen: Stinking proles - smelly proletariat

Pillocks - A Yorkshire insult.

Grumpy me said...

Couldn't agree more. A shower and I'm good to go.

Samantha VĂ©rant said...

Hahahaha! That Chanel commercial has me in stitches every time! They make fun of it here in France...

bruce said...

you brits (no offense) have the greatest turn of phrase...stinking proles...LOL...the sweaty masses, indeed...

i still have my bottle of Hi Karate somewhere...and English leather...

had to toss the *old spice* when it made a dash at a comeback on the adverts here in 'merica...

so...i guess i am NOT sending you a bottle of eau de Toilette...

Al Penwasser said...

I think cologne is for men. Perfume is for women. If a man used perfume, it would give him boobs. Or so I've been led to believe.
But, they may be wanking my chain.

Azara said...

I've never seen these ads, but am now going to search them out on Youtube. They sound like good entertainment.