Monday, 12 September 2011

Stating the Stupid.



Sod it, I'm going to have a rant.



Here is a list of things that people say that annoy me to the extent that I grind my teeth so hard they shatter and my face collapses in on itself. And when I say people I include my intolerant, arrogant and judgemental self.

1. 'Why should I'?


This is usually a response given by someone who has been asked to pick up a piece of litter they have dropped or help someone with something that wouldn't necessarily benefit the person posing this fatuous, childish question.



People who adopt this philosophy tend to be pebble brained, cold-blooded shit bags with less sense of social responsibilty than a Box jellyfish.

Why should you indeed? Well how about just for the sake of helping your fellow man and making the world a fractionally more pleasant place to live in? Groups of monkeys help each other out as they are aware that they in turn may need a hand moving a particurlary heavy pile of bananas one day and if they help their fellow monkeys today then can expect the favour to be reciprocated in the future.


If monkeys can grasp this concept then so can you.

2. 'I'm not a racist, but...'.

When somebody starts a sentence with this then you know that the next thing to come out of there mouth will be so racist that the very words themselves may as well be wearing jackboots. Judging by the number of times I have hard people utter this sentence then it would appear that no-one in the world is racist.

However I believe that everybody in the world is racist. We may not all show it on the surface but somewhere in the dark, reptilian parts of our brains there lurks a tribal impulse that automatically makes us root for our own racial type.

I'm not condoning it, it's how we deal with this and each other that makes us the people that we are but we need to accept this and not hide behind this thin veneer of pretending not to notice other people's cultural differences.

So instead why not say 'I am a racist, but....' and then follow this with something constructive.

3. 'I know my rights'.

The battlecry of tracksuit wearing, benefit claiming, scrounging layabouts everywhere. They know that their rights are to sit around all day watching daytime TV on huge, plasma screen tellys, smoking cheap fags and drinking shit lager while you work in order to provide taxes so they can maintain the directionless, twilight existence they live in.

What about knowing your responsibilties instead?

Ok, that's enough of that. I'm in danger of drowning myself in bile and disillusionment if I aren't careful. The world is already a seething bauble of rage and doesn't need my input.

After you have read this promise me you will go and look at pictures of kittens to balance out your chakras or whatever.


56 comments:

Craziness abounds said...

Holy hell I'm laughing! Sounds like we have several similar pet peeves. I even have a bumper sticker on my car (I know it's ghetto but the car is falling apart anyway.) that says "Your village called. They are missing their idiot.
Well done my friend. As for my pictures thank you. What a compliment.

Miranda Hardy said...

Luckily, I don't say those phrases, so there's a good chance I won't annoy you too badly. Lol

SkippyMom said...

Number 2 makes me :headdesk: and before they can go farther I just say "Yes you are. Hush up. I have no interest in hearing what follows that statement."

It works pretty well.

Baiba1205 said...

LOL! these things annoy me too, but I'm gonna confess - I've used all of them ;DD stupid little me ;D but I try not to use them...I try... ;D

YeamieWaffles said...

All of these three annoy me. "Why should I" is probably the most despicable, that one does my head in!

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

Another one: "No offense, but... [something offensive]"

arrg.

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

This is SOOOO awesome. I agree with the person above me . . . "No offense, but" kills me as well~

I LOVE your blog!

Tony Van Helsing said...

Craziness: My favourite bumper sticker was 'Jesus is coming, look busy'.

Miranda: I hope you don't.

Skippy: Sound advice.

Baiba: I admit to having used them myself in the past.

Yeamie: That's why it came first, it annoys the shit out of me.

Sub: That is brilliant, what about 'Don't take this personally but...'

Elisabeth: Glad you liked it.

Jordan said...

I think worse than "I'm not racist but..." is, "I'm not racist, my really good friend is black." What? Then why are you saying such nonsense if your really good friend is black? Oh wait, it's because you only like ONE black person in the entire world. Also, please don't grind your teeth until your face collapses in. There are a lot of people in the rural areas of America who no longer have teeth and can't afford dentures and their faces really do cave in and it scares the crap out of me. It's so difficult to talk to them without staring and I really don't want to offend anyone. Perhaps Oprah should've given away dentures instead of cars.

Katsidhe said...

I also like when someone starts with "No offense but...". It's a shoo-in to be something insulting that will make you want to break your hand on their face.

Lynette said...

Why should I
tell you that
I'm not a racist
but
I know my rights
when it comes to blog fodder....and yours is always on the top of my list. Your right some things are just damn unnerving!

dirtycowgirl said...

Totally agree with the I'm not racist thing...not that I'm a racist or anything.

I also have a problem with "no comment". In my past life working with the offspring of the people who know their rights, I spent far too many hours I'm never getting back acting as appropriate adult (the parent couldn't come as she was watching JK)in a police interview listening to the words no comment over and over again.

Kelly Polark said...

I think it's funny when people (and probably I do it too) say, "To be honest...."
What they weren't being honest with the other stuff they were saying?
Off to look at kittens now. :)

Dylanthulhu said...

Amen, brotha! Although I basically built a lifestyle around saying "Why should I?" I've really become a different person in my college years, it kind of scares people who knew me really well in high school.

D4 said...

I could agree with this post, but really, why should I?

LOIS said...

hey hey tony! I love reading your comments they always make me laugh xD About the floral post a bit busy on the eyes is an understament! :P My shoes are pretty but quite unuseful, ture. But i got a tip to make them less slippery :D the picture that hurt your eyes: in a good way or bad way? :D
Love Lois xxx

http://lisforlois.blogspot.com//

Elle Strauss said...

Glad you got that off your chest! :)

Al Penwasser said...

"Not to change the subject"="I don't give a flying flip what you have to say, let's talk about something I find interesting."

Stina Lindenblatt said...

And I thought my 9 yo's "Guess what?" was annoying. At least he doesn't say, "I'm not racist, but guess what?" ;)

Vapid Vixen said...

I love that this whole thing started with "Sod it. I'm going to have a rant."
It made me happy.

Creepy Query Girl said...

Truth is if someone starts with either three of those, it's all downhill from there!:) Great post! Glad to have discovered your blog! New follower here:)

Tony Van Helsing said...

Jordan: Good point, it's like somebody has deliberately made friends with a black person just so they can say this.

Katsidhe: You may as well just hit them as soon as they say 'No offense' and save a bit of time.

Lynette: All three phrases used at the same time are horrifying.

Dirty: No comment, that's another to add to my list.

Kelly: That is a great point, I can't wait until someone says that, I'll be all over them.

Dylan: It's called growing up, mate.

D4: You just should, ok?

Lois: Good way

Elle: I feel much better now.

Al: My list is getting longer, thanks for that.


Stina: Guess what, he knows his rights.

Vapid: If you're happy then I'm happy.

Creepy: Thanks and reciprocated.

Hannah {Culture Connoisseur} said...

"People who adopt this philosophy tend to be pebble brained, cold-blooded shit bags with less sense of social responsibilty than a Box jellyfish."

Perfect.

Also, have you ever heard the song from the broadway musical Avenue Q called "Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes"?

Jessica Thompson said...

Hah so true!
Come check me out =) alphabetalife.blogspot.com

Lindsay N. Currie said...

Ah, these just made me choke on my coffee. You can add this to your list..."I don't usually talk poltics, but..." Makes me feel stabby.

Christine Danek said...

This made me smile. I've heard all of them and I feel the same way. Going to check out some kittens. Thanks.

Susan Fields said...

"I'm not a racist, but..." is just classic. As if saying you're nor a racist makes it okay to say racist things.

Okay, I'm off to find some kittens...

Tony Van Helsing said...

Hannah: Can't say I've heard of that song.

Jessica: I already check you out.

Lindsay: I like the term 'stabby'.

Christine: Enjoy the kittens.

Susan: Happy hunting.

jabblog said...

Come on, now, don't hold back . . .

Craziness abounds said...

I don't know that moose like hair or if mine just happened to be what he could reach and he was just tasting it.What I will say is that was one of two times where an animal scared me enough to almost pee my pants. haha And yes they do get drunk of of fermented fruit and it's funny as long as you are not to close.

Amanda said...

You're quite the witty writer! I enjoyed this, and now I'm going to look at puppies ;)

altadenahiker said...

"I've got nothing against..."

And the two great openers in every windbag's arsenal:

"Look..."
and
"Listen..."

my day in a sentence said...

Wow, somebody made you mad! :D

Nicki Elson said...

Well, well, well, looks like I picked a damn fine day to visit your blog for the first time. :) Love me a good rant, and this one was excellent---because mixed in with your outrage is wisdom: "it's how we deal with this and each other that makes us the people that we are but we need to accept this and not hide behind this thin veneer of pretending not to notice other people's cultural differences." Brilliantly said. And here I was just expecting some tips on how to off a vampire.

Janet Johnson said...

I SO agree with you on the "I know my rights" bit. Man, I could go on a diatribe right here. Ahem, I won't but Amen, brother!

Samantha Vérant said...

My latest pet peeve, living in France, is hearing c'est bon. It's usually used AFTER somebody has done something stupid/annoying and then they say. "It's good/fine."

NO. It's not fine.

Add it's not possible to the list, too. C'est pas possible? BAH!

Tony Van Helsing said...

Jabblog: deep breath...

Craziness: I once got bitten on the tit by a shire horse. that's another story.

Amanda: I said kittens, not puppies! Jesus.

Alta: 'Basically....'

My day: I made me mad.

Nicki: Thank you for those kind words and recognising my genius. As for vampires use garlic and sarcasm, the fuckers hate it.

Samantha: Don't start bringing other langguages into the mix, I'll get confused.

D22 Zone said...

A really very interesting read! I hope you keep updating us with more info

George Anderson said...

Interesting read. Great blog + Followed!

NutriSystem Weightloss Journey said...

All of this is SO true!!

Bart said...

they do however say some stupid funny shit though

Phạm Minh Tâm said...

( Come and see - http://vatinam.blogspot.com )

Peiyinn said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog.Replying your comment here. :)
Mid-Autumn Festival is a Chinese traditional festival. We used to have moon cake, playing lanterns and candles at the festival. :)

Interesting post!
Have a nice day.

Devour said...

I got one! I hate when people say: SO WHAT.

Kyria @ Travel Spot said...

These are all true, but number three especially bothers me. Why DO those tracksuit wearing, paid for by tax dollars TV watching folks sometimes seem to have more rights than the ones paying their way? Grrr.

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

Not to be racist, but the Swiss smell like cheese.

I agree, everyone is racist. I'm annoyed by people who claim not to have a racist bone in their body. I'm convinced they are ALL lying.

Margaret said...

Very funny. I love the phrase, "I'm going to have a rant." I think I want to have a rant just so I can say "I'm going to have a rant."

Scrubby Bear said...

Nice long rant. Just what one needs in the 21st century. ;P

H A R R Y G O A Z said...

Have a SUPER week !

Jessica Thompson said...

Haha i love stating the stupid!

Sarah said...

This is amazing, it's always good to have a rant now and again :)

Bart said...

you're a girls game over here.

Doug Stephens said...

You can't make me quit saying these phrases. I know my rights.

bruce said...

bravo! that was well said and needed.

a bunch of nitwits are still breeding more nitwits...

Damon said...

great post :D

H A R R Y G O A Z said...

Have a SUPER weekend !