Friday, 2 October 2009

Jesus is Boss.

Ever since I gave myself to Jesus my life has been so simple now. I used to worry about things all the time, why am I here, what's the point, why should I bother.

Then one day I had what I thought was an epiphany. It came to me that life had no meaning other than a biological imperative to survive and breed. The Earth and life on it were not created for a reason but was a series of chemical reactions brought about by being in the right place at the right time. Life on Earth was brought about by being the right mix of elements coming together at the exact distance needed from a star at the period of its existence that would provide the right amount of heat and radiation to support life.

We are all made of the same chemicals and particles that make up the rest of the universe, it's just that where we are right now the conditions are right for these chemicals and particles to interact in a certain way, what we know as sentient life.

In essence the only reason I am here writing this is blind luck.

This of course put me in a massive depression, there was no point to my existence. I began to slack off at my job and stopped seeing my friends. Then one day I was sitting in my pyjamas in the middle of the day flickng through the TV channels when I came across the GOD channel.

Here were people talking about the things that I was worrying about the most.

The people on this channel told me that there is a point to existence and that I am important.

This galvanised me into signing up with Pastor Linus's Family Ministries and I have not looked back since.

They told me that my so called epiphany was a sign from God to seek the true meaning of existence through the teachings of Jesus and that I would never have to worry like that again. If I have any doubts or troubling thoughts I just tell Pastor Linus and then he tells me what to think.

It's great, I can now make totally unqualified statements and I don't have to back them up with proof or evidence like scientists do.

The other day I was having dinner at my parents and they had given me some broccoli. I have always hated broccoli but my mother said I couldn't have any treacle sponge until I had eaten it.

So I told her that as the Lord had created us in is image, so he created the animals to be our food and the vegetable to be the food of the animals. therefore if I ate vegetables then I would be unto as a beast of the field and this would be a sin in the eyes of the Lord.

My mother merely looked bemused and gave up the argument and I got my pudding.

I can make any outrageous claims I want and no-one can argue with me, all I have to say is that I am a man of faith and I am allowed to express my opinions no matter how others percieve them.

It's like a get out of jail free card and as changed my life. All I had to do was give Pastor Linus my bank account details but like he says these are material goods and don't matter in God's plan.

We are truly Blessed. Go in peace.

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